


Stay

by xOblivion_is_Gracex



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Brother-Sister Relationships, Child Armin Arlert, Child Eren Yeager, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Jealous Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Original Character(s), Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Protective Older Brothers, Siblings, Slow Burn, Stargazing, Worried Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), oc is Erwin's sister
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:57:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xOblivion_is_Gracex/pseuds/xOblivion_is_Gracex
Summary: Life can prove challenging as the younger sister of one of the greatest soldiers to ever pass through the Survey Corps, and things only get worse when Hope falls for Levi. After the events that take place on the 23rd exterior scouting mission, Levi cuts all ties with her in an attempt to lessen the pain that will come with her inevitable death. What he doesn't know is that hope is more powerful than fear.*Beginning set in 844*





	1. Hope

**Year 844**

The stone wall I sat upon was far from comfortable, but that one spot gave me the best view of the sky. Plus, it was far enough away from the rest of the soldiers that I didn’t feel so suffocated. Isabel and Furlan sat on either side of me as we stared up at the night sky together. They had been upset with me for wanting to go on the expedition alone, leaving them behind in the process. I knew that it wasn’t fair of me to ask them to have blind faith that I would make it back unscathed, but I had to limit my losses somehow. I knew that talking Hope out of going was out of the question because wherever Erwin went, she wasn’t very far behind. The two of them were practically connected at the hip, stirring up some foreign feelings in the pit of my stomach whenever I saw the two of them together. If I couldn’t get her to stay behind, I knew I would have to focus all of my energy on keeping her alive, so I couldn’t pay much attention to my friends. Keeping an eye on three people instead of just one was a much larger job than I was prepared for, but it was easier for me to just tell Furlan and Isabel that they couldn’t come along instead of trying to explain _why_ , which was what Isabel wanted to know. In the short time we had been a part of the Survey Corps, we came to realize that the majority of the soldiers were skeptical of us and only one welcomed us with open arms, ready to take on the titans with us by her side. It was an odd behavior, but it was a refreshing one at the same time.

“Levi,” Furlan spoke, his voice full of purpose. My eyes met his in an intense stare, and I knew that it was his final attempt at trying to convince me to let them come along. He stared at me as Isabel remained completely silent, the only sound coming from the wind rustling the leaves on the trees just beyond the outermost wall of the fortress. His eyes flickered with optimism as he continued, “believe in us”

I nearly jumped in shock at his request. It was far more emotional than I was used to. I never liked talking about my feelings or opening up to people in the first place, and he was urging me to place my complete trust in them. My trust had been there from the very beginning because I knew they would’ve died for me the same way I would for them. To hear Furlan pleading with me to believe in their abilities was something I had never experienced before. After the initial shock wore off, I smiled and gave a single nod, resting my arm on my knee that had been propped up on the stone wall I sat on, “alright. I’ll believe in you”

Isabel’s head fell back as she smiled widely. I didn’t even have to look at her to know that she was filled with joy. That girl was so expressive that it almost worried me. She never tried to hide her emotions, either, which was something I did more often than not. If she was angry, she would flat out tell you that she was angry if you hadn’t figured it out by her simple actions, “yay!” she beamed before focusing her full attention on Furlan, “bro sure is a stubborn one, ain’t he?” she asked

Furlan chuckled, “ _especially_ when it comes to admitting he has an adolescent crush on a _certain someone_ ” he teased, referencing the young woman who I _refused_ to admit had a hold on me like no one before, a hold that I didn’t even understand myself.

As soon as they mentioned her name, time seemed to stop completely as I stared up at the stars, my heart racing, thudding against the rib cage that helped hold it in place. It was as if the organ was trying to burst through my chest just so it could take a breath of fresh air, something I hadn’t known the taste of until the moment I met her. Erwin and his team had been the ones to drag Isabel, Furlan, and I to the surface with the promise of not charging us for our crimes as long as we joined the Scout Regiment. Even though I first breathed the open air when I reached the surface, it was...different once I met Hope. Meeting her only hours after being brought to the surface made it feel like I hadn’t breathed in my entire life. Only after meeting her did I realize how sweet the air could taste. She changed my mind on the one thing I thought I had been certain of for my entire 26 years of life-that humanity was all bad, that there were no good people. The moment we met, her very first actions toward Furlan, Isabel, and myself were removing the handcuffs that left us restrained on the way to the base of operations that the Survey Corps used. She had chastised her superiors-Erwin included-without fear of being reprimanded, scolding them for restraining us “like animals.” Many of the others looked at us like that’s what we were: animals. However, she saw us as people no different from the soldiers she served with. Her action of removing the cuffs could’ve had deadly consequences, but just like they put all their trust in her, she put all her trust in us. In her eyes, the moment we set foot inside the walls of the fortress, we were a part of the team, and she treated us no differently than anyone else.

Her name alone, Hope, had surprised me when she first introduced herself. It was a strange name to hear, especially coming from a place where there was none of it. We had always wished for a better life, but we never had any real hope that it would become a reality. Yet, she was the embodiment of what that word meant, and it even showed itself in her physical features. Crystal blue eyes that bled into a thick and piercing violent ring surrounding the blackness in the middle, matched in both power and intensity as the young section commander and the man I was destined to kill-Erwin Smith. Their eyes were not exactly the same, though, as _her_ eyes held the most perfect mixture of both innocence and pain that I’d never seen before. It was clear that she had experienced a great deal of her own trauma, but it didn’t destroy the faith she had or the kindness she had to give. Her eyes were warm and inviting, like the fireside in the bitter cold, but they were also careful, calculating, and withdrawn. The warmth she had to offer was filled with sorrow because it was clear that her love was born like a flower in the spring, having to endure the harsh winter before being able to bloom. Her hair fell in thick and wild pure white waves, snowy strands whipping around her fair-skinned face every time I watched her practice with the 3d maneuver gear. One of the soldiers she seemed close to, Mike, had commented that it would be a terrible shame for her to have to cut it, which was the truth. Her eyebrows reminded me of Erwin’s, thick and full yet perfect with no maintenance. Hers were longer, though, much like her thick and dark eyelashes that sat so delicately atop the eyes that captivated me from the moment we met. It was like staring up into the sky as the sun set on the horizon.

She was a wild beauty, unlike anything I had ever seen before. I had been so used to the angry lifestyle that everyone led while in the underground city. However, she was so different. She was kind and compassionate, delicate yet strong. She had an intense love for humanity that spread like a wildfire, but there was a fire of animosity in her eyes whenever the titans were mentioned. There was this exceptional grace within her as well as a desire to do good, to bring peace and harmony to all those who surrounded her. There was also an unparalleled desire to protect Erwin, which was making my mission to kill him even harder. If I betrayed her and killed Erwin, she would kill me or I'd be forced to kill her-something I _could_ not and _would_ not do. She was the one who accepted my friends and I into her way of life without missing a beat. She was the one who smiled at me as she cleaned the leftover mud from my face-something that had been left there despite my request for it to be wiped away while travelling to the surface. She was the one who scolded Flagon when he degraded us while explaining that the barracks needed to stay clean. If I betrayed her by killing the man she was closest to, I would be sentencing myself to death by her hands. Even if she didn’t kill me, the guilt I’d feel over the sadness my actions brought upon her would. However, if I betrayed my friends and _didn't_ kill Erwin, we would be prisoners of the Survey Corps forever. All we wanted was to live freely on the surface, and our newest employer was willing to grant us that if Erwin Smith was killed and the document was retrieved. Just picturing the way she would kneel over his lifeless body with tears in her eyes-the world having crushed her once more-sent a shiver down my spine.

“She is beautiful, though” Isabel said, pulling me from the endless and jumbled thoughts of Hope that ran through my head all day long. She laughed, holding her stomach as she stared over at Furlan, “I think _I_ even have a crush on her”

“Levi’s is a little different. Isn’t that right?” he asked, elbowing me in the side

I shook my head and clenched my jaw, trying to suppress _those_ feelings. Just thinking about her made my heart beat faster. Hearing her name made my whole body feel lighter. It was a constant struggle to maintain a certain level of composure, “I don’t feel anything for her” I argued, not wanting to explain to them the feelings I had because I wasn’t even sure what they were.

Furlan narrowed his eyes, always able to tell when I wasn’t telling the truth. He told me so many times before that I did small things, which gave me away. He was perceptive when it came to the people around him, making it almost impossible to lie to him and get away with it. I should’ve known not to try it, but I did. As expected, he called me out on it, “so you _don’t_ stare at her during meals when she’s not looking? You _don’t_ smile when you hear someone say her name? You _don’t_ watch her from the window in the barracks while she’s outside with the horses? You _don’t_ find yourself at a loss for words when she’s around?” he asked, pointing out all the times that my relationship-for lack of a better word-with Hope was suspicious. He continued, “you’re the one with a silver tongue here, but you can barely speak to her at all. It’s like every time she talks, you’re hanging onto every word. I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but the girl has something to do with it”

“Hope! Her name is Hope!” I snapped, clenching my jaw tightly. After a tense moment of silence, my eyes widened as I realized what I had just done. There was no harm in Furlan calling her “the girl,” but it sparked some kind of fire within me-one that had lain dormant for so long. I shook my head again, wanting to move right past what I had just said. I cleared my throat, “there are plenty of explanations for each of those, and none of the explanations are that I like her because I _don’t_ ”

“Sure it’s not, bro. It’s because you _love_ her” Isabel laughed, clapping a hand onto my shoulder as her body trembled with unchecked and refreshing happiness. The two of them loved to tease me about anything and everything, including my need for a spotless living situation. It was a contradiction. I was from the underground city, the dirtiest place known to humankind, and I was a “clean freak” as Isabel put it. It was all harmless fun, and I was happy to be the punchline of any joke if it made the two of them happy. As her laugh died down, she snickered, “just make sure to invite the two of us to your fancy wedding”

I rolled my eyes, “we’re not getting married”

“Who's not getting married?” a voice sounded from behind us. Not just any voice, either. _That_ voice.

My eyes shot open, wondering how long she had been standing there listening to our conversation. I didn’t want her to think anything just because Isabel and Furlan were teasing me. The last thing I wanted was for her to be repulsed by me, and it was obvious that she was with Erwin. I had no place to come into the fold and tear down whatever it was she had built with him just to satisfy some of my own desires. Deep down, I knew, though, that there was something sacred blossoming between the two of us, something I had been fighting since the day we met. It was like meeting her suddenly filled this hole I never knew existed up until that day. Before I had the chance to greet her or even turn around to take in her unparalleled beauty, Furlan beat me to it, “oh, look who it is! Hi, Hope!” he exclaimed, turning around to face her with a wide smile. Even though we weren’t planning on sticking around long, it was impossible for us not to find her somewhat alluring. My way was just more...intense than Furlan’s and Isabel’s. Instead of damning myself by turning around to face her, knowing that I’d be unable to hide my excitement, I stayed facing away from her. Without hesitation and seeing the route I was trying to take, Furlan challenged me again by standing up, Isabel following him in perfect synchronization. I sucked in a harsh breath as he continued with a smile, “we’ll give you two some time alone”

“I’ll see the two of you in the morning. Sleep well” she said in that voice that sounded like velvet falling from her tongue. It was like hearing the birds singing their sweet songs first thing in the morning. It was a gentle voice which captivated me just like her eyes did. When I turned around to see my friends walking away, I couldn’t help but watch her. Every time she bid farewell to anyone, she would grasp their right shoulder with her right hand while offering them a warm smile. There were no words spoken, but it was one of her ways of offering respect to the people around her. Erwin did the same thing to people, and I wondered if she had been the one to pick it up from him or vice versa.

Before he left, Furlan turned back to smile at me, standing behind her so she didn’t see the mischievous look in his eyes, “behave yourself, Levi” he warned, cocking an eyebrow. It was clear to see that I wasn’t the only one who had this conflict, since Furlan seemed to be pretty taken by Hope as well. However, he wasn’t afraid to admit that it was an adolescent crush. He was open about how he felt, and he flirted with her pretty often. She always gave it back to him, but I knew that it was a part of their playful banter. Still, it didn’t keep me from feeling jealous. As my friends, Isabel and Furlan just _knew_ that my feelings for her were serious.

She smiled back at him as the playfulness reached her eyes, “I’ll keep him in line” she joked. With one final bow of his head to her, Furlan disappeared with Isabel, leaving me completely and utterly alone with the goddess of a woman. It was like they _wanted_ to see me fail at this point, which made me regret my decision to disclose certain... _personal_ information to them. She turned her attention back to me, gliding across the stone like she was floating. Before I could process what was happening, she took Furlan’s spot and dangled her legs over the side, clasping her hands on her lap, “they tease you quite a bit, don’t they?” she asked, locking her gaze with mine.

“Mhm” I nodded my head, too afraid to speak to her in the moment. More often than not, I was able to compose myself and take everything in stride. Not much bothered me, but her presence _always_ caused me to lose my composure. My insides felt like they were trembling every time she was around, and I couldn’t help the gentle quaking of my hands or the heat that rose in my throat. She captivated me to the point that I couldn’t formulate a single response until I was able to pull myself back to reality. Her mere presence felt so surreal that reality didn’t even matter to me in the moments we were alone together.

Her voice both pulled me back to reality and lightened my heart, “it’s because they care. Erwin does the same thing to me, and I do the same to him”

I grimaced, thinking of the man who had her all to himself. It was the first time I was ever truly jealous. Just like my freedom, Erwin robbed me of her as well. She was by his side at all times, listening to everything he said and hanging onto every word, much like what I did with her. They were inseparable and practically attached at the hip. They were so similar but so different at the same time. He was far more cold and calculating than she was, but there was a warmth and a twinkle in his eyes that came alive whenever she was around. It was subtle, but I noticed everything. I clenched my jaw again, staring down at my hands in my lap. I took a deep breath, calming my heightened nerves as I spoke, “the two of you are...together?” I asked

She grimaced, clearly disgusted by the mere thought of it, “of course not! That’s...disgusting”

“Oh” I breathed out, feeling both relieved and discouraged by her answer. I was relieved that the section commander hadn’t taken _everything_ from me, but I was far more discouraged that I had absolutely no chance of being in her company in a... _romantic_ way. If she wasn’t with Erwin, the most handsome man in the entire Survey Corps with his perfect _everything_ , there was no way she would be with me, a criminal and thug from the underground city. Her answer only reinforced why it was better to not even try to form any kind of relationship with people like her-good people. While I didn’t like Erwin, he was a noble and humble man who gave himself freely to the Survey Corps. He lived by a code, and he treated people with respect. He had been willing to give my friends and I a chance on the surface, which only spoke to his morality. If anyone was worthy of her, it was him. I could think of no one more _unworthy_ of her than me, so all I could do was watch as she inevitably fell in love with Erwin. Besides, I was destined to be alone from the start.

* * *

***Hope’s POV***

As soon as Levi’s dull blue eyes-which always seemed to look grey under the moonlight-flickered away from mine, I could sense the shift in his mood. Erwin had made it crystal clear that he didn’t want the newcomers to know that we were related, and I couldn’t bring myself to disobey my older brother’s orders no matter how much I wanted to. Without knowing that we were related, Erwin and I would’ve looked like a couple. There was a side of him that only came to life when we were together, and it was clear to see that others noticed that, too. Levi was perceptive, so I shouldn’t have assumed that he wouldn’t catch onto the fact that there was _something_ between Erwin and I. I just didn’t want him to think that it was anything romantic, which he did. As the moonlight lit up his fair skin and youthful face, I couldn’t help but stare. He was stunning in an unconventional kind of way. There had always been something between Mike and I, and Erwin always made his support for that relationship very clear. Still, we were never _together_ , but it was one of those “maybe” relationships.

Levi and Mike couldn’t have been more different from the outside looking in. Levi was short with straight, raven black hair with an undercut and dull blue eyes. I hardly ever saw him smile, but I couldn’t expect much given his history in the Underground City. There were only terrible stories that I had been told of the living conditions down there, which must’ve been why he usually wore an expressionless face. Around his friends and I in private, he was much more open and willing to show a grin now and then, but it was obvious that the world had beaten him down. It took one to know one, though. Mike was the polar opposite. He was more than a full head taller than I was with beautiful short blonde hair that he parted down the middle. In almost all ways, he reminded me of my older brother and the man I loved most in this world. Mike was stern, and nothing seemed to faze him. He was a great soldier and an even better friend. There was never a time I didn’t feel safe while I was with Mike because I knew that if I failed to protect myself, he would step in and do the job for me; however, I _always_ protected myself, so I never had to test his loyalty. Mike wanted to start a family at some point, which was great because he showed his talents when it came to children. Levi, on the other hand, showed _no_ interest in starting a family of his own, grimacing as the children played within the walls. Even when he saw a loving mother with her child, he became distant, almost like it disgusted him. Where Mike was passionate, Levi seemed apathetic. Where Mike was warm and inviting, Levi seemed much colder and more abrasive. Still, I couldn’t shake the way my heart raced or the way my lungs tightened and refused to allow air into them whenever I thought of the man sitting next to me. Seeing that my response to his question seemed to trouble him for some reason, I shook my head, wanting to explain myself a bit more, “it’s not that I think Erwin’s disgusting because I _don’t_. He’s a handsome man, which is pretty obvious to every person who has seen him. The two of us are close in a different way. He's my best friend, and thinking about being with him in any way other than that is...unimaginable” I added, seeing the very hint of a smile spreading across his face. His eyes brightened as if he was coming alive ever so slowly. I swallowed hard, “I know you two don’t get along after...what had to be done to get you here, but he’s a good man. I just hope that one day, you can see that, too”

“I do” he replied, his voice deep and coarse. It was rough but oddly calming at the same time, and whenever he spoke, I was left completely speechless, unable to interrupt a voice like that, “he cares deeply for you, and he keeps you protected no matter what that means. I can tell from your interactions now that it’s been like that for a long time. I respect him for that reason and that reason alone”

Biting my bottom lip, I couldn’t waste time reading into the meaning behind Levi’s statement, but I knew it was inevitable once I returned to my room. Instead of trying to explain the countless other reasons why he should respect my older brother, I moved on to the reason why I came up to the roof in the first place. Aside from spending time with him, I was curious as to why he had been _so_ withdrawn today, barely speaking to me or anyone else. He was even unnaturally quiet when it came to Furlan and Isabel. It wasn’t that he was as talkative as Furlan and Isabel on any other day, but he was usually much less upset. As he continued to stare up at the stars, I pulled my legs up to my chest, hugging them closely, “was everything alright today?” I asked, my question getting nothing but a silent nod in response. I never knew that a simple nod could hurt so much, but it was like he was _trying_ to push me away at this point. My jaw tightened as I narrowed my eyes at the stubborn man next to me, “look at me, Levi. Talk to me” I pleaded

He shrugged his shoulders, snapping his head to the side to stare down at me. His eyes were narrowed and much colder than I expected. I nearly jumped back when I saw how bitter he looked, “I don't know what you want me to say”

I shook my head, “it's not about what I want you to say, it's about what _you_ want to say” I explained, my heart aching because it felt like we were taking two steps back. I swallowed hard, “if you don't want to tell me what's bothering you, that’s fine. I won’t pry. However, I _do_ know that something isn't right. All I’m trying to say is that you should know that you can talk to me about any of it without fear of judgement”

He closed his eyes, almost like he was fighting back the urge to open up to me completely. I could see the conflict on his face, but I promised I wouldn’t pry. As he let out a deep breath, his eyes finally opened once more and locked with mine, “I don't want you going on the expedition with us” he confessed

My eyes widened, and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Of all the things he could’ve been upset with, _that_ was what set him off? _That_ was why he hadn’t said more than two words to me the entire day? I would’ve expected almost anything else. He looked rather distraught by the thought of Erwin and I being together, so I figured that would’ve been somewhat of a reason. Mike flirted with me in the hallway earlier with Levi in earshot, so I even would’ve pegged that as the reason for his sour mood. However, the simple fact that I was going on the expedition with them was what upset him the most, “why?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. Once again, my question was answered with less than one word, and he just grunted instead. It was one of his typical ways of communicating when he just didn’t know how to respond. This was another one of those times, but I didn’t know why. I shrugged it off and stared back out at the sky, “well, you haven't seen me fight yet, so if it's because you don't think I'm strong enough-”

He cut me off, “I'm sure you're plenty strong enough, but titans are always stronger” he retorted, his eyes flickering down to his hands in his lap. He was struggling again with how to continue, so I gave him his time, watching wisps of his black hair blow gently in the breeze. He swallowed hard, grasping his knees and squeezing his trousers tightly, “Flagon told us about the low success rates and the heavy casualties that come from these expeditions”

“I won't die” I assured him, but at the same time, it was also to assure myself. There was only so much Erwin could do to keep me from going with them. Ever since I joined the Survey Corps, he had been trying to keep me off to the sidelines, not wanting me to risk my life the way he did. However, I wanted to follow him wherever he went, no matter what it entailed. I would live at his side, I would fight at his side, and I would die at his side. Try as he may, Erwin couldn’t convince Commander Shadis to pull me from any expedition, and I _never_ requested to stay behind. My place was fighting alongside my fellow soldiers. Commander Shadis _knew_ how deadly I was when it came to the titans, so including me on the expeditions only boosted our chances of success.

Levi’s voice interrupted my train of thought, “no one plans to die, but it happens to all of us” he mumbled, “I’m glad you’re here right now. I want you out here on this roof with me because I don’t want to be alone on what could be my final night on this Earth” he confessed, shining a light on his fears and insecurities for once. He wasn’t afraid of dying, but he was afraid of being alone, of being abandoned. Weren’t we all, though? If nothing else, Levi and I had that in common. He turned his full attention back to me, his voice suddenly filled with renewed vigor and purpose, “what I _don't_ want is for you to go on the expedition...because it's dangerous”

“I'm just as dangerous” I argued, wishing that he would stop treating me like some damsel in distress. I had a total of 12 solo titan kills under my belt, and I was only 19. Of course, the abnormals and the variants were a team effort because it was far too dangerous to try to kill them on your own. I saved _others_ from becoming the titans next snack, so I could take care of myself. If I couldn’t protect myself, then I had already accepted my fate. I wanted to die a hero, and I couldn’t do that by sitting behind the walls and hoping that my brother and friends would come back safely. I could ensure their survival as long as I fought with them. When Levi remained completely silent, not making a single sound, it finally sank in. It wasn’t because he thought he would have to look after me and make sure I didn’t get myself killed. The simple and unbiased reason why he didn’t want me to go was because he cared about me. Of course, he wouldn’t be caught dead saying that word when the object of his care was me. However, it was clear as day. He didn’t want me to get hurt because there was a part of him that cared genuinely about my health and well-being. The man so many people thought cared about nothing and no one aside from himself was the one who cared most. The revelation came as a complete shock to me because I was sure that I was the only one who had any sort of...feelings for him. Clearly, that wasn’t the case, “it's the same reason why I asked Erwin to reconsider having you come along” I murmured

His breath hitched in his throat, and he narrowed his eyes at the trees beyond the wall of the base. It was the most determined I had ever seen him before, “you'll make it back alive. I'll make sure of it” he promised, those piercing grey eyes locking with mine.

“I'll be watching your back, too” I promised him, knowing that I would keep it no matter what. I desperately wanted to grab his hand, to feel his smooth skin against my own, but I had seen his reactions when people touched him. He wasn’t a fan. I stared back out at the leaves of the trees dancing in the wing, trying to make sense of my own feelings, “this won’t be your final night on this Earth” I assured him

“Why do you even care?” he asked, clearly skeptical of my reasoning.

“Why does the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening? Why are there stars in the sky?” I asked, gazing up at the sparkling lights in the sky that were scattered across the vast expanse of the sky where the moon wasn’t. My mother told me stories about the stars when I was younger, telling me that my father-a man I never knew-was always fascinated by the stars. She would always remind me that the darkest nights produced the brightest stars. When I was young, I understood it in a very literal sense. When the moon failed to show itself and the night was darker than ever, the stars compensated for its absence. As I got older, I realized that her words of wisdom were not only about the stars, but they were about me as well. Erwin carried on the tradition of watching the stars with me as our father did with him and as our mother did with the two of us until she died when I was only five years old. Just looking up at the stars reminded me of her, reminded me of the kindness and love she gave so freely, and it caused my eyes to gloss over with tears. I blinked them away and swallowed back the lump in my throat before continuing, “when you can answer those unanswered questions for me, I'll be able to explain the unexplainable to you”

“The sun rises because that's just always what it has done. It has been like that long before you and I were ever born, and it will continue long after we are gone. There are stars in the sky for the same reason. They're there because they've always been there” he answered

“And I've always cared about you” I replied, glancing up into those fearful grey eyes, like I was about to tell him the worst news. He looked terrified of my confession, but I proceeded as if I didn’t notice, “I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve cared about you long before you and I were ever born, and I will continue to do so long after we’re both gone from this world. It’s as natural as the flowers blooming in the spring and the sun rising at dawn. A part of me feels like I’ve known you since the very beginning of time itself, but it’s just taken me this long to find you. That’s okay, though, because you’re here now, so I won’t dwell on all the time I’ve wasted looking for someone to fill the void that only you could” I added, not taking into consideration the fact that my feelings for him were completely inappropriate or the fact that Erwin wouldn’t approve of such an arrangement. Mike was the safe option, but Levi was the one I wanted.

I would choose him. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first time ever writing fanfiction for "Attack on Titan". I'm fairly new to the fandom, but I've let it consume my soul in the short time I've been a part of it. I really hope you enjoyed the first chapter. If you have any suggestions or some constructive criticism, please let me know.


	2. Final Night On This Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On what could be their final night together, Hope takes Levi to her private place closest to the stars.

We sat in complete silence for a long time after my confession that came as more of a declaration of my willingness to keep him safe on the expedition. I knew that he wouldn’t be the one to take it in any other way, especially not the way I meant it the most. If I said the same words to Mike, they would’ve been construed the exact way I had meant them. He would’ve known I was telling him that a part of me loved him and couldn’t live without him. He would’ve caught on that I had been searching for him for so long that finally finding him felt like my very first breath of air. Mike was far more open and a lot less cynical than Levi was. Of course, Mike was cynical in his own ways, but he still believed that he deserved love, which he did. Levi, on the other hand, believed that he was undeserving of all compassion and love. He saw love as a weakness while I saw it as the strongest thing you could give to someone. My love for the Survey Corps was what made me train harder than anyone else to one day become the best. My love for the young children  from Shiganshina-Eren and Armin-was what made me fight for their future, to try and ensure that they lived in a safer world. My love for Mike was what made me desperate to kill every last titan as an attempt to create a safer world for him to someday live out his dream of having a wife and children. My love for my mother was what reminded me to heed every one of her profound words of wisdom-almost all of which were of family. My love for Erwin was what made me fight to stay alive even when all I wanted was to give in, to take one final breath and drift away. And my...love for Levi was what kept me on that rooftop, my legs dangling off the side of the wall as I stared up at the stars, which reminded me of all my loved ones who had gone on before me.

_*Flashback*_

_The grass surrounding us tickled my bare arms and my calves where the dress ended and my skin began. There was a noticeable contrast between my mother and I. Her dark brown hair was the polar opposite of my silvery white as well as Erwin’s blonde hair. She told me once that he inherited his hair and eyes from our father, a man I never met but a man I loved nonetheless. She told me of his bravery on many of these nights when we laid in the grass and gazed up at the stars. He used to take Erwin outside and lay in the grass, telling my older brother all about the different signs in the stars as well as teaching life lessons to him through the stars. Her dark brown hair sprawled out across the green grass while my hair had been braided by her earlier in the day, small wisps of silvery-white hair coming down to frame my face. It was the clearest memory I had of my mother, only weeks before witnessing the brutality of humankind. Without knowledge of what would come later, I was lost in the moment with the woman who sacrificed endlessly for Erwin and I. He was already tucked into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. Normally, I would’ve crawled into bed with Erwin, who was seven years my senior, and we would curl up with each other, clinging to the other for the solace we both needed. Instead of following my regular routine, I had wandered out to find mother sitting at the table with her head in her hands, small sniffles emanating from her. Without second thought, I grabbed her hand and urged her outside where we currently found ourselves lying in the cool grass._

_As I laid in silence, marvelling at the light the stars themselves gave off, I couldn’t help but listen to the faint whimpers from my mother. They had only grown worse as I tugged her hand, pleading with her silently to join me outside for our tradition. I rolled over onto my side, taking in the look of my bland yet beautiful mother. She was easily the most beautiful and youthful woman I had ever seen in my young life, but in the years that passed since that day, I would still know no woman more beautiful and graceful than her. Even in her sadness, deep green eyes red with the tears she cried and cheeks flushed with color, she was still stunning. I could only hope to be as beautiful as she was someday, but even after 14 years had passed, I couldn’t see even a fraction of that beauty within myself when I saw my reflection. I’d never see it within myself, though, because we looked at our mother’s as deities sent to this earth to make our lives more beautiful. It was impossible for me to see myself the way I saw her because I wasn’t a mother, so I couldn’t appreciate myself the same way. Her beauty was in her actions. As another tear rolled down the side of her face, I nestled my body against her, desperately trying to comfort her, “why are you sad?” I asked, a voice as small and fragile as I had been at the time, a voice that would grow much stronger in my early years of life._

_She sniffled again, wiping the tears away and glancing down at me, the earth meeting the sky, “I just miss your father a lot today. I wish he was still here, and looking at the stars makes me sad sometimes because it was something he and I would do together even before we were married” she confessed, smiling up at the stars with tears still brimming her eyes, “it’s not something that I can teach you, but it’s something you’ll have to find out for yourself. When someone dies, it leaves a hole in your heart where they used to be, and moving on seems impossible, but their love lingers and keeps us fighting, keeps us holding onto this life. There are days when all I want to do is see him again, days when it feels like it would be so much easier to give up, but I know that he’s still with me, that he’ll always be with me as long as he’s in my heart. He was a wise man, too, Hope. He taught me so much, and I know I taught him a thing or two as well”_

_“If you still feel him with you, why are you crying?” I asked_

_She shrugged her shoulders, stroking my temple with the tips of her fingers, “a part of me just wants to hug him, to have a conversation with him. I want to ask him if I’m doing it right, if he’s proud of how I’ve raised you and Erwin. There’s also a bigger piece of me that mourns him for you and your brother. I want him to be here to see how beautiful our children are. He wanted a son and a daughter so badly, but he didn’t live long enough to see that dream come true. I just wish he was here to teach you the things only he was able to. I can try all I want to teach you the lessons he taught me, but it won’t stick with you the same way it stuck with me because I can’t possibly teach you as well as he could” she said_

_“So you’re sad because he’s here, but he’s not here” I stated, trying to understand what her sadness was for. I found out at a young age that trying to justify sadness was nearly impossible because it wouldn’t happen. I mourned a man I never met, a man whose face was unfamiliar to me. Still, I mourned him. As another tears trailed down the side of her face, we were in a mutual understanding of each other. She didn’t have to speak for me to understand her answer._

_She sniffled again, clearing her throat in an attempt to suppress the lump that had formed there, “when you look at the stars, they’re the first things you see. However, so many of us fail to realize that without the darkness, we’d never be able to see the stars, to experience their beauty” she said, passing on a piece of wisdom that had been passed on to her at some point in her life, “without sorrow, we would never know happiness. Without pain and suffering, we would never know pleasure and comfort. Without darkness, we’d never know light. Everything that happens to you, no matter how good or bad it may seem, will happen for a reason. You may never know that reason, but it’s in those moments when you must have faith and hope that it’s for a reason. I miss your father, and I think of him every day. Every morning I wake up, and I wish he was by my side. That star...right there,” she said, pointing at a lone star in the entire sky, one that twinkled every few moments but still burned brightly, “I chose that star to represent your father. Even though it’s far away, it’s always there. Even though there are times when I can’t see it, I know it’s there somewhere, like the wind. There will come a day when I’m not around anymore, and you’ll feel sad. You’ll feel pain, but that pain will only make the joy that much more pleasant. We all experience darkness, but it only makes the light that much more refreshing. Your father told me the same thing when we would lay in the grass together, looking up at the stars. Watching the stars together became his love letter to me. Every time he took my hand, he’d mumble for me to come with him, and he would lead me to the best spot to gaze up at the stars. It was his way of telling me how much he loved me. Even if he never said it, I would always know. The stars were his love letter to me”_

_*Flashback End*_

A smile formed on my face as I reached between both Levi and I to grab his hand, something I never had the nerve to do before that moment. I pushed aside the tingling sensation in my fingers as well as the way my whole body quaked due to the simple skin to skin contact. My grip on his hand remained even as I jumped up to stand on the stone wall while he still sat, staring up at me with confusion written on his face. His thin eyebrows pulled together as his grey eyes seemed to darken. Still, I didn’t give him the time to ask the question that was weighing on his mind. Instead, I gave his hand another gentle tug, trying to urge him into a standing position. The gesture had always worked with my mother, and she would follow me anywhere once I gave the simple tug. Levi wasn’t as easily moved, so I smiled down at him, “come with me” I pleaded, pouting out my bottom lip as an added attempt to win his favor.

He rolled his eyes, standing up and brushing himself off to remove the slight dirt that would’ve undoubtedly clung to his clothes from sitting on the stone wall for so long. I had let his hand go once I was sure he would follow me, “where are we going?” he asked, not completely convinced that I wasn’t going to lead him to his death. He was too skeptical, and he didn’t place nearly as much trust in me as I did in him. It was understandable, though, but I hoped to see that change someday.

His skepticism made me roll my eyes back at him but in a much more animated manner, mocking him for doing that to me. Before he could say another word, I grabbed his jacket, pulling him toward the door with me, “just shut up and you’ll see” I teased, a sly smile forming across my face. Making my way through the barracks was easy enough as everyone was already asleep. Either way, the slight chuckle from Levi had me nearly bursting out in laughter. It was so hard to get him to laugh, but here we were, running through the barracks. Silence was more important now than almost any other time, but his chuckles over my persistence to get him to follow me nearly had me in tears as I tried to suppress the giggles that threatened to bubble up in my throat. As I picked up the pace, wanting to get what I needed-blankets-and get out of the barracks to keep from being caught, I glanced behind me to take in the most beautiful sight in the known world. I was sure that in the outside world, there was nothing so jaw-droppingly beautiful, and I was even more certain that if there was, I would never see it. Levi ran behind me, the widest smile spread across his face as he tried to stifle every laugh that threatened to give us away. Still, I wouldn’t have traded that sight or that small sound for anything. I’d sooner be caught and reprimanded for running around after hours with Levi than force him back into the careful and calculating facade he wore almost all the time. This was a new side of Levi, a side I had never seen before. While I didn’t know why he was laughing-it could’ve been anything-I couldn’t help the smile that overcame my own face.

As we rounded the corner, I caught sight of Flagon. I wasn’t nervous about getting caught by him, knowing that he wouldn’t reprimand me, so I just continued running toward my own room. Recruits and soldiers stayed in the same room-women and men being in separate sections. I had just recently been bumped up to one of the elites, so I had my own private quarters, the room Erwin knew I wanted because it had a beautiful view of the landscape in the distance. It was the room right between Mike’s and Erwin’s, so I had both men checking in on me periodically to make sure everything was going smoothly. A whole section of the barracks was dedicated to the private rooms, Commander Shadis having the nicest one of them all for obvious reasons. I smiled as I ran by him, “hi, Flagon” I greeted him in a quiet voice as I tried to remain as silent as possible. When I stopped at my door only a few meters away from him, Levi stopping right next to me but refusing to even make eye contact with Flagon as I pulled the key from the pocket of my pants.

In the time it took me to pull it out, Flagon closed the space between us. As soon as he reached us, he stood on the other side of me, using me as the barrier between Levi and himself. He crossed his arms over his chest, raising an skeptical eyebrow, “you’re supposed to be in bed” he noted before his eyes shifted over to Levi, giving him a stern look, “ _both of you_ ” he reminded us. While he was technically my superior as a Squad Leader, I belonged to Erwin’s special operations squad, which he was in the process of building from the ground up. I was honored to call myself a part of it and also the first member. However, since I was a part of Erwin’s select team, he took it upon himself to pass along punishments when he saw fit. There had been times when word of my erratic behavior got back to him, like the _one time_ I went beyond the walls alone. For my transgression, I was given the responsibility of caring for the horses, feeding, watering, and bathing them as well as keeping the stables clean for two months. Another part of the punishment was being left behind on every mission, big or small, for an entire two months, which nearly killed me. He punished me justly and just as he would any other soldier he was charged with. Flagon was one of the people who spoke out against my punishments, so I knew that he wouldn’t want to see what happened if I was sneaking around late at night with one of the newest members of the team. Therefore, I wasn’t afraid of him reporting my behavior to Erwin, who Commander Shadis had recently named as his successor should he step down or be killed.

I shrugged my shoulders as I unlocked the door to my room, stepping inside the perfectly clean and neat space where I found myself at night and during the dullest hours of the day when I wasn’t needed and there was nothing to do. The room wasn’t used as much as some of the others, only for reading and spending time alone. Still, I couldn’t stand a mess, so it was probably the cleanest room in the entire barracks, “well, I’m not in bed, and neither is Levi. You know that sleep is my least favorite hobby. I want to be alert if anything happens. What if titans were to break through the wall or climb over it?” I asked reminding him of the endless possibilities that often kept me up at night.

“They won’t break through the walls” he assured me

I cocked an eyebrow, narrowing my eyes at him, “you don’t know that. It’s besides the point, anyway” I stated, stepping inside the room and pushing the key back into my pocket. Levi followed me closely but hesitantly, unsure of whether or not he was welcome into the room. I should’ve made it perfectly clear that he was free to come and go as he pleased, something he was still quite...shy about. He would’ve strangled me if he knew that I called him shy as he preferred to be described as “quiet” or “observant” instead. Still, shy was the best word I could think of to describe some of his more...particular behaviors. As I leaned against my dresser, facing the two men, I raised my eyebrows as a way of challenging Flagon, “last I checked, you’re _also_ supposed to be in bed. Maybe I should report the misbehavior to Erwin or...Commander Shadis”

Flagon visibly stiffened as soon as I mentioned the commander, someone no one liked to cross. Keith had an obvious love for all of us, feeling the burden of every death, but he was rather harsh with punishments that surpassed the jurisdiction of the squad leaders. His eyes widened in surprise that I would use that threat with him. In reality, we both knew that I’d never rat him out. He smirked, “I didn’t see either of you, but if Erwin asks me where you are, what am I supposed to say?” he asked

I shrugged my shoulders, turning toward my bed and pulling the spare blanket from the foot of it where it had been folded. There were always a few spares in the private rooms, so when soldiers or recruits would need an extra, they usually had to go to those with private rooms to ask for blankets, pillows, sheets. It was giving us another level of responsibility. I smiled to myself, “improvise” I answered, completely disregarding the slight worry in his voice. I smiled over at him, “you’ll have to do it anyway if he catches you wandering the halls while you should be sleeping”

He raised his hands, almost like he was surrendering, “like I said, I haven’t seen you”

Once I collected the blanket, I walked back over to him, grasping his right shoulder with my right hand as I faced him. It was one of the things I picked up from Erwin at a young age. He wasn’t much of a hugger-he only really showed that cuddly side with me-so he did the grasp with me. I loved embracing others, but I also didn’t want to push the boundaries too much and make them uncomfortable. Mike was one of the more physical men I’d met, very open and physically expressive. He gave some of the best hugs ever, and I was thankful for being close enough with him to take advantage of that kind of thing. Flagon wasn’t as interested as the physical than he was with the emotional. He was a very open man once you got to know him, but it took a while. I smiled up at him, sincerely, “thanks, Flagon. I owe you”

He scoffed, nodding his head, “you _do_ owe me because I’ve covered for your ass four times now” he reminded me with a smirk. We both knew that he never brought up the times he covered for me to make me feel bad, only to tease me, just like I never brought up the times I covered him and made sure he didn’t become dinner outside the walls. He smirked, shoving his hands into his pockets, “I’m gonna cash them all in for a romantic dinner once the expedition is over. I’m thinking I could go all out; candles, liquor, everything. I’ll show you the time of your life. It’ll be a date Mike could _never_ top no matter how hard he tried” he stated, referring to the date Mike took me on only two weeks before, one he had no problem flaunting to everyone. There were a handful of women in the Survey Corps, but not nearly as many as there could’ve been. There was a small lot of us, miniscule when compared to the large numbers of men. Therefore, we were often the object of affection when it came to the men, and they had no problems flirting with or pining after all of us. Mike and I were always on the verge of something, but neither one of us wanted to push it too far, and I was especially hesitant after meeting Levi. Flagon had been jealous after the last date Mike took me on, one that topped all of the others. He stepped closer to me, smiling down at me, “so what do you say? Is it a date?” he asked

Before I could answer, Levi suddenly piped up from across the room to answer for me, “no” he blurted out, almost like he was releasing the tension. Flagon nearly jumped, not having remembered the raven-haired man lingering in the room with us. His eyes darted over to Levi, and I followed his lead, seeing that Levi was in the process of glaring at Flagon.

Glancing back up at Flagon, I noticed that he was still in the process of glaring right back at Levi. As soon as I rested my hand against his chest, his eyes locked with mine again, paying no attention to Levi’s small outburst. A small smile spread across my face as I wondered just how romantic he was planning on being if he wanted to top Mike and set the new record, one Mike-the sweetest man I knew, aside from my brother-wouldn’t be able to beat. With a content sigh, I spoke, “as long as we both make it back alive, you have yourself a deal”

He shrugged his shoulders, a light blush overcoming his cheeks as his eyes flickered away from mine and down to the stone floor, “it’s just another reason for me to fight even harder”

* * *

Levi and I were finally on the top of the south tower, but we didn’t make it there without some complications and tight spaces that only Flagon could get us out of, sticking his neck out for me yet again. As I unfolded the blanket, Levi sat down on the cool stone, making himself comfortable as he leaned his back against the half-wall with gaps spaced out evenly. His jaw clenched as he narrowed his eyes at nothing in particular. I could tell that even after our time hiding in the small storage room-thinking about it still made my stomach flip-he was still angry. It was as if, his anger subsided for that time and that time alone, but now that we were up on the top of the tower, after climbing countless stairs, he was letting his true colors show again. He glared down at his own hands, which rested delicately in his lap, slender fingers that I desperately wanted to feel against my skin again, grasping my face, a gentle graze of my neck as he pushed my hair aside. His rough voice pulled me from thoughts of him, “why would you agree to have dinner with that piece of shit?” he asked

My eyes widened in surprise at his blunt nature, but I couldn’t have expected anything different after getting to know him over the last few weeks. He was straightforward, which was something I missed in humanity. It seemed as if too many people spoke with the fear of offending others, but Levi didn’t care about that. He was blunt, which could often come across as rather brutal, but I would never ask him to change because he was perfect in my eyes. Even though he wasn’t looking at me or even in my direction, I continued to gaze at him as I spoke, “Flagon and I get along rather well for the most part. He’s not as rigid as he may seem at first, and you’ll come to see that. Just like with Erwin, he has a soft side that he doesn’t like letting many people see, especially any newcomers who could potentially take advantage of his soft and caring nature. I agreed to dinner with him because it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just dinner”

“A romantic dinner” he corrected me, grey eyes darting over to lock with mine, not wanting me to forget that Flagon made it clear that it was going to be a romantic occasion. The anger boiled up within him, and it was the first true time I saw him with so much hostility. When we were in my room, I was sure he was going to kill Flagon with a simple look, and our time in the storage closet as well as our time spent making our way to the south tower only gave him more time to ruminate on it, “he made sure to specify that it would be a romantic dinner” he added

“And?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders. I sincerely didn’t understand what the big deal was since I didn’t look at the occasions in the same light. If I considered every dinner I had with a man a romantic one, my reputation would burn away. During my time in the Survey Corps, I had been asked to dinner many times by several of the men. Often times, they would call it a romantic dinner, but it was always just personal time I got to spend with them. Occasions with Mike and with Levi, I looked at differently. When Mike first took me to the top of Wall Maria to look out at the world, I considered it a romantic occasion. Looking up at the stars with Levi was another romantic occasion. I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone, though, so it wasn’t like I was committed to one person. I was committed to the Survey Corps and all the members therein. I sighed, seeing how upset he was by this, “listen, what he thinks it is is very different from what I think it is. He can think it’s a romantic occasion all he wants, but to me, it’s just a nice meal with a friend”

“Well, then what is this?” he asked, gesturing at the space around him, referencing the situation we found ourselves in currently. I could tell that he already had his own definition of what it was we were doing on top of the tallest tower within the walls. While he would never tell me what his definition of this was, it was still pretty clear that he wasn’t proud of it. Therefore, I could only guess that he viewed it the same way as me. While he was ashamed to be feeling that way, though, I welcomed it with open arms. There had never been a time quite like this before, and the only other time my heart fluttered like the wings of a butterfly, was when Mike and I danced. Every moment with Levi felt like that, though, like we were dancing. His arm wrapping around the small of my back as he pressed my chest against his own, his lips grazing the skin of my cheek as he moved to whisper into my ear. He was intoxicating and invigorating, filling all of my senses all at once with his presence. There was no part of me that doubted our future together if he was willing to partake in it, but there was a piece of me that had a feeling that he would back away from what we had before it even started.

As I resumed my work on unfolding the blanket, I answered him, “to me, this is a romantic view of the stars” I stated, plainly, wanting him to know my stance on our current situation. Anything with Levi would be romantic in my mind because I did have feelings for him. Of course, those feelings were foreign and far more intense than the feelings I had for Mike. Before meeting Levi, a part of me just thought that we met someone and learned to love them after spending enough time with them. Falling in love had always been gradual, and you couldn’t know from just one glance. However, there was a spark when I met Levi, and I just knew that there was something between us, a feeling that would blossom into something beautiful. Instead of trying to hide the fact that I cared about him, I let him see it all. I let him see the good, the bad, and the ugly because life was often too short for those of us in the Survey Corps to live any differently. You never knew when it would be your last day, so I lived every one of them like it was my last. I glanced up at the night sky above us, “it’s the best place to look up at them because it’s the closest the majority of us will ever get to them in this lifetime. Besides, my mother told me once that without darkness, we’d never be able to see the stars. It’s something you’ve yet to understand. You think you’re unworthy because of what you’ve been through, but you don’t know how brightly you shine in the darkness you’ve been through. You’ve been through hell, but you’ve come out of it so much stronger and so much wiser. There’s a kindness in you, Levi, I can see it. You may think it’s not there, but it is, and it’s a beautiful thing. The stars are _my_ letter to _you_ ” I explained, remembering what my mother had told me so many years ago.

_The stars were his love letter to me._

He snickered as I wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, wanting him to be warm. The soft brown fabric cascaded over his broad shoulders, the ones I wished to fall asleep resting my head upon, but he sunk into himself as he pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them tightly. That cold and distant look in his eyes returned, so I braced myself for what was about to come, “you know, for such a bright young lady, you make some pretty bad choices” he sneered

As much as I wanted to flinch at his harshness, I just shrugged it off, “feeling this way about you isn’t one of them, though” I replied, not backing down. He could berate me all he wanted for caring about him or sacrificing for him, which I was sure would come eventually, but I’d never stop. It was like berating someone because they breathed or because their heart beat. It was like being upset with the stars for existing. How do you stop breathing? How do you force your heart to stop? I’d sooner be able to stop the sun from shining than to stop these wild feelings I had for him. No amount of time with or without him could lessen my feelings for him, either. Instead, they would only continue to grow until my heart just couldn’t take it.

He nearly jumped back when I spoke those words, visibly shaken by the grace in which I was able to receive and rebuttal his previous comment. All Levi could do was sit in shock, staring up at me with wide eyes as if he hadn’t expected anything so wildly foreign to escape my mouth. I knew that he wasn’t used to affection or compassion, but I was going to make it my life’s mission to change that. From this moment on, he would know nothing _but_ love and kindness and affection because that’s what he deserved. He looked away once he found that my eyes were filled with not a single trace of doubt or regret. I had no regrets when it came to Levi, only that I regretted not meeting him sooner. Before another word could be said, I lowered myself onto the cool stone floor right next to him, leaving the space between us big enough to not make him uncomfortable. He would have these fits of rambling on and on about how to simple touch of another human being made him feel so dirty, and the one thing I knew about Levi was that his middle name was “clean”. He hated dirt and messes more than I did, which I thought was impressive. Therefore, when he draped the blanket over my shoulders, allowing it to encompass both of us, I was in disbelief. It wasn’t until he wrapped one strong and slender arm around my waist, pulling my body closer to his in the process that I realized what just happened.

Levi didn’t care about being clean when it came to me.

 _It was_ **_his_ ** _love letter to_ **_me_ ** _.  
_

* * *

***Levi’s POV***

 We sat in almost complete silence as we nestled into the warmth the blanket provided. She was warm, but I was still too nervous to overstep the boundaries with her. Nothing could’ve compared to what happened in the storage closet on our way up here, though, but the adrenaline from almost being caught by Erwin and the tight space we had found ourselves in left me with no other way to release it. Therefore, I made a decision that may not have been the most appropriate, which was putting it lightly. Then, when she sat down next to me, I surprised both her and myself when I pulled her closer to me and under the blanket. Just knowing that this could very well be our final night on this Earth made me throw all my cares to the wind. Being with her made me feel invincible and...alive. There were no fears or concerns when I was with her; I just _was_. Even though I hardly knew anything about her, I knew that she captivated me so much that I _wanted_ to get to know her, which was something new. It wasn’t often that I even cared about the people I was around. Isabel and Furlan were my only friends, but she made me want to know every detail of her life. I glanced over at her, her silvery-white hair shining under the light from the moon and stars, small wisps framing her fair face. Every time I looked at it, I had to resist the urge to run my fingers through it. Instead, I leaned toward her again, “what was your mom like?” I asked the question that had been on my mind from the moment we met. I was desperate to find out where she came from and the woman who raised her into the young woman she is today. I took an interest in her past from the moment we met, but I never asked her about it before because I never wanted to pry or seem too pushy on subjects like that. Talk of mother’s always bothered me anyway, as did seeing children with their mothers. It brought up too many memories of my own mother, memories I wanted to live in forever, which made me weak.

Hope’s big eyes only widened in surprise, the violet color surrounding her irises bleeding even further into the deep and crystal blue. She was genuinely surprised that I even requested something of that nature, since I was never the one to ask for personal information. I had always been so adamant about steering clear of the mother subject especially, but I had also never wanted to have a conversation about mother’s in general. It was too...sad for me. Though she was surprised by my request, she decided to amuse me with the story of her mother, someone I knew nothing about but someone I had respect for all the same. Her mother raised a beautiful and kind human being who I had grown to...care for. As soon as she began speaking, her eyes glazed over with tears, and she stared up at the stars, and I could understand why when she used the past tense to describe the first woman we all loved. Our mothers. Her sadness and bittersweet smile caused my heart to ache, but I listened to every word as she spoke, “my mother was beautiful. I know everyone would say that about their mother, but she was truly the most beautiful soul that had ever graced the face of this forsaken world. She raised me on her own since my father died before I was born, and I remember times when she gave up her own food just to make sure I was fed. She was clean, too, a lot like me...and a lot like you” she smiled in fond remembrance, glancing over at me.

“She was just like any mother, I guess. She curled up with me when I had a nightmare or when I was sick. I can remember when she would rub my temple until I fell asleep in her arms when I just couldn’t seem to get comfortable in my own bed. She would sing songs to me before I fell asleep at night, and our last words were always, “I love you” no matter what. She had long hair, a lot like mine, but it was brown. Her eyes were this deep green color, almost like those trees in the distance. To any outsider, she was plain and pretty ordinary, but she had this...fire in her eyes that I’ve never seen before. To me, she was a goddess. She never lost her spirit no matter what she went through, and we had our share of struggles. My father used to take her out to look up at the stars, and he would teach her all about them since that’s what he did as a job anyway. After he died and once I was born, she took me out every night to look at the stars, carrying on the tradition he would’ve included me in anyway. I can’t even recall how many times she told me how much he wanted a daughter and how he would’ve loved me more than any other man could’ve. We would look up at the stars, and she would point out the star she picked out for him. It’s been 14 years since she died, and I can still point it out. It’s the one on the left of the biggest star in the sky” she said, pointing to it. My eyes landed on it, and I smiled at the thought of choosing a star for the one you loved. I figured that people didn’t normally choose them for any other reason than to memorialize the ones they love most, especially after they passed on, “the biggest star in the sky is the one I picked for my mother, and it’s only fitting that they’re right next to each other. The two stars are so close that it almost looks like they could collide and bleed together at any moment, and it’s only appropriate that she’s the biggest and brightest of them all because that’s just the type of person she was. Beautiful and glowing. She was the light at the end of every dark tunnel, and she still is”

“There isn’t a night that goes by that I don’t look up at the stars. I talk to her sometimes, too, and I can only hope that she can hear me. It must sound ridiculous, but it’s what has kept me going for so long. After all the friends I’ve lost, after everything I’ve done...I still need my mom to tell me it’s all going to be okay, that she’ll stand by my side through every ounce of darkness. I still need her to tell me that I’m strong, that I’m brave, that I’m everything she hoped I would be” she said, her bottom lip quivering as she fought back the tears in her beautiful eyes. She didn’t let a single tear fall, though. She would allow herself to be vulnerable, but only to a certain extent. We had only known each other for a few weeks, and I hadn’t expected her to open up so willingly about an experience that hurt her so much. I _never_ talked about my mother because it was too painful, but she allowed herself to experience that pain in my presence. As she took a breath to collect her thoughts, her right hand fell between us. When she moved it to a more comfortable position, it brushed up against mine, sending a surge of energy through my whole body. Before she had a chance to pull it away, clearly embarrassed by the simple touch that she initiated accidentally, I intertwined our fingers together. It wasn’t like I hadn’t pushed the boundaries already if we could both recall the storage closet incident. In the moment we were having right now, none of my primal instincts kicked in, and instead, it was just my need to comfort her in her time of mourning. We never stopped mourning the people we cared for who went on before us no matter how long ago it happened. As I gave her hand a gentle squeeze, she stared up at me, her bright and beautiful sky mixed with wild traces of amethyst meeting the grey storm clouds within my own eyes. Still, the way she looked at me made me feel like I was significant, as if she could validate me with a simple gaze. Then, she spoke, “she would’ve loved you”

It came as a shock to me. To hear that a woman like her mother, a goddess just like her daughter, would love me, an animal from the underground city, caused the tears gloss over my own eyes. Though I wouldn’t let them fall, she could sense my sudden change in mood, gently squeezing my hand and leaning in toward me. Her head rested against my shoulder, waves of shimmering white cascading across the brown material of my jacket. She nestled into me, offering me the solace I had been searching for all along. Caressing her hand with my thumb, I spoke, thinking of the first woman to ever care for me, one of the only women who ever cared for me. I could just imagine how happy she’d be knowing that I had Hope in my life, and I could almost see the way her eyes would light up as I told her about these strange feelings that felt a lot like love to me, “my mother would’ve felt the same way about you” I murmured

“What was she like?” she asked, softly.

The question was innocent, but it would be one that I couldn’t bring myself to answer. I never talked about my mother to anyone, not even Furlan or Isabel. My main reason for hiding away those memories was so that I didn’t have to relive them. I refused to cry in front of _anyone_ , especially Hope, who I was destined to protect. Instead of saying anything, I just looked back up at the star that represented her mother, and I chose one to memorialize my own. The star to the right of her mother’s. Without a hint of doubt, I just knew that our mothers would have been close friends if they had the chance to meet each other in life. The one thing that kept me going, kept me fighting, was that I would see my mother again someday, and maybe she had met Hope’s mother in death. For so long, I had been thirsty for death, wanting to see my mom once more, to hear her voice, to have her hold me in her arms. After befriending Furlan and Isabel, it was easier to stay alive and to push aside that sorrow. However, I still wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake. That changed so drastically when I met Hope. I found my purpose in her eyes and in her voice. I found my reason to fight the first time that fair skin brushed against my own. That was when I knew. My mother sent her my way. She knew that I needed her, that I was ready for her. She was still looking out for me.

_“I’m never far away, Levi. I’ll always be right beside you no matter how far away it may seem. As long as you keep me in your heart, I’ll be with you forever and ever”_

Her voice rang through my mind, replaying the statement I turned to every time I felt alone. It was a lesson she taught me at a young age because you never knew how long you’d survive in the underground city, so we always made our time together count. She told me countless times that as long as I remembered her and continued loving her, she would be with me forever. Her words stuck with me for my entire life. Even though she died when I was young, I still have vivid memories of her, ones that kept me alive for this long. Now, I was blessed with the woman at my side, a goddess who was living proof that life wasn’t fair. If it was, she wouldn’t be by my side. I did nothing to deserve her kindness or companionship, but she was here anyway. As we sat in the silence, we were in a silent understanding of each other. She understood that I wouldn’t answer her question for no reason other than to maintain my own emotional stability, and I understood that she would support me no matter what my decision. In 10 years, if I wanted to talk about it, she would be there for me.

When she let go of my hand, I was ready to protest, thinking I had done something wrong, but I was cut short when she pushed my arm up and wrapped her arms around my waist, nestling herself under my arm and against my body. Her head rested on my chest right above my heart, and she just sat in silence, not calling attention to the change in position we just made. However, it left me more relaxed than I had ever been in my life. Having the girl not even my wildest dreams could create in my arms was surreal, and if I hadn’t known better, I would’ve thought that _this_ was a dream. However, I knew it wasn’t because my dream would’ve been kinder to me and wouldn’t have put us in a situation that could lead to me potentially losing her. We were leaving tomorrow, embarking on a journey that would forsake many of us, and I had a strange fear that she wouldn’t be so lucky tomorrow. All I could do was sit in that silent moment with her, listening to her breathing and feeling her delicate body pressed against mine as my arm tightened around her waist, “I wish I could’ve been there” she murmured out of the blue after I was sure she had fallen asleep.

She was talking about underground! Why would she wish to have been there? Didn’t she know how much pain and grief we lived in, day in and day out? Wasn’t she aware of the tragedies and living conditions we were in? She was far too bright to be oblivious to it all. So many people on the surface took their lives for granted, but I hadn’t expected her to do the same thing. She knew better than to wish for a life of pain, and suffering, and death. My heart broke as I thought of what she said and the determination in her voice when she did, “you would’ve suffered” I explained

“If it meant you didn’t have to suffer alone, I would’ve taken that life in a heartbeat” she assured me, letting me know that she wasn’t going to retract her statement no matter how much I wanted her to. She tilted her head up, locking her eyes with mine as her left hand that had been pressed against my chest trailed up to stroke my cheek. I leaned into her gentle touch as she continued to speak, “my mother used to say that we suffer willingly and happily for the ones we love, and I…” her voice stopped suddenly with the realization of what she was about to say. My eyes widened in pure shock as I started to piece it together. Still, I told myself that it wasn’t possible she was saying she loved me. There was no way. She cleared her throat, desperately looking for a way to change the course of the conversation, “I picked a star for you”

“Which one?” I asked as I glanced up at the twinkling lights. She picked a star for me. That was when I figured it out, when I knew.

“That one” she said, pointing at one of the stars, the one that never moved from that one spot. It was in the same place every night from what I had found, and it was a comfort knowing that it would always be there in that same familiar section of the night sky, “my mom always told me that it’s the star to lead you home. She told me stories of the adventurers long ago when people lived outside the walls. They used the star to guide them home if they were lost. It was their guiding light...and you’re mine now” she confessed, her voice soft yet sure without a hint of doubt or regret.

“I shouldn’t be” I stated, worried that the choice she was making was the worst one for her.

Still, she wouldn’t listen to me even if I tried to force her. She gave me a gentle push before hugging our bodies even closer together, getting comfortable against my body and using my chest as her pillow. I felt her lips pull up into a smile, which was mirrored on my own face. She breathed deeply, “well, you are, so get used to it” she stated.

I knew that she was trying her hardest not to fall asleep, but it was late, and we had a long day ahead of us. All I could do was recall her words from earlier when she reminded Flagon that she didn’t like sleeping because of the titans. That particular fear was what made me realize just how much she must’ve seen outside the walls. The sadness in her eyes that she tried to cover up with a bubbly attitude came from somewhere, and I knew that it would only worsen after this expedition. While I had her in my arms, though, I would savor every moment, “it’s okay to fall asleep, Hope. As long as you’re with me, I’ll protect you” I whispered, brushing the tips of my fingers on my right hand across her cheek, pushing the strands of hair from her face.

“Goodnight, Levi” she whispered, “I miss you already”

My lips pulled up into a smile as my heart filled with light, “I miss you, too” I murmured

And there I was sitting on top of the south tower on what could be my final night on this Earth. I held my whole world in my arms as she slept. What more could I have asked for? Instead of drinking with my friends or kissing her like I should have in the storage closet, I chose a star for her.

Because that’s what you do for the one you love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a pretty long chapter, but for those of you who stuck around for the whole thing, thank you so much! It means a lot to me that anyone is reading this. Also, while I thought Flagon was kind of a dick in "No Regrets", I still love him. Be prepared for a metric shit ton of brotherly love in the next chapter. Plus, what the hell happened in that storage closet? ;)


	3. Little Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin looks for Hope only to find her on top of the south tower with Levi-the man who is tasked to kill him.

***Erwin’s POV***

After working through all the kinks, not wanting anything to be out of place when we left for the expedition in the early afternoon, I finally left my office. I had gone for a quick stroll around the barracks earlier when I noticed that Flagon was up and about. After escorting him to his room, I returned to my office, continuing to stew on the formation I had planned. Second guessing oneself lead to errors, so I tried to keep from thinking about it too much. Still, these were people I cared about, and a large portion of them, I wouldn’t see again. Plus, my younger sister, my whole world, was coming out with us, and if the formation failed, her life could be put at risk. If she was hurt or killed...I’d never be able to forgive myself. Hope had stopped by earlier in the evening, but she usually found her way into my office when the night drew nearer, begging and pleading with me to come back to her room with her. She had a hard time falling asleep even when I was with her. Staying asleep was a whole other struggle. There were times in the middle of the day when she would pass out on the couch in my office, waking up less than an hour later, terrified that something had happened. I knew where the fear came from, and as her older brother, I wanted nothing more than to take that fear away for her own peace of mind. She tried so many things to fall asleep and stay asleep, and I watched her struggle, tears of anger and frustration brimming her eyes every time something didn’t work. We tried tea, sleeping with a few candles lit, sleeping in complete darkness, blankets, no blankets, my blanket (because it smelled like me), reading, staring up at the stars. None of it worked. The only surefire way for her to fall asleep was to lay with me. During her nightmares, I’d be right there to wake her up and soothe her back to sleep. If he woke up with a start, eyes darting around the room as the paranoia filled them, I was right there to pull her back into reality. When I wasn’t with her, she would roam on her own. There had been countless times when she would take one of the horses and ride around for hours, or she would just walk away until she felt like turning back. She often went days, which was why I made myself available to her whenever she needed me. However, she had days when she was too proud to ask for my assistance in falling asleep, believing it to be too childish.

Then again, she was never able to be a child.

Because she hadn’t ventured into my office once the moon had risen in the sky, I was sure she was either tossing and turning in her own bed, or she was staring up at the stars on the top of one of the towers or on the roof. I walked toward her room, pulling out one of the spare keys I had made. She had a spare key to my room where we often found ourselves. There were times when I would find her in my bed, curled up under my blanket, hugging my pillow against her chest like it was me in bed with her. So, there were times when she could fall asleep on her own, but never in the week before an expedition. There were times when she would run on little to no sleep, but I heard her reasoning plenty of times. She would always tell me simply and without accusation, “you don’t see what I see when I close my eyes.” She wasn’t trying to put blame on me, and I never took it like that. She had seen a lot. Behind those distant blue-violet eyes was a sadness that was unparalleled and a fear that she would lose everyone she loved just like we lost our mother. I didn’t have to see it happen, though. She did. It was one of those things that I’d never forgive myself for, though. If I had been there, I might not have been able to stop it, but Hope never would’ve had to see what happened. I wouldn’t have let her, and I wouldn’t have let them touch her. If I had been there, she wouldn’t flinch when someone raised their hand. She wouldn’t be afraid to fall asleep. Of course, watching as some of her friends were killed by the titans added to that fear, but she knew from experience that danger lurked both inside and outside the walls.

As I pushed her door open, I took in the sight of the empty bedroom. It was kept spotless at all times. It was one of the many quirks about her that many people found amusing but one that I thought of as quite sad when I remembered the origins of it. I could remember coming home that day only to find her scrubbing the blood off the floors of our family home, digging at the wood until her own fingers bled because the copious amount of blood had stained it. She didn’t shed a single tear and never spoke of that day again, trying to forget the day when her whole world stopped turning, the day when the light died. Even though she had seen the worst side of them she kept her faith in humanity and fought to protect them. Part of her was so diligent to join the Survey Corps to protect me from suffering the same fate as our mother and father. However, another part of her joined to protect the people within the walls, the ones who couldn’t protect themselves because that was just who she was. Even the people who hurt her were deserving of kindness and compassion because she believed that hatred bred hatred and that kindness bred kindness. Part of that theory was being tested on the newest additions to the Survey Corps, the ones who were planning on killing me.

Before closing the door to her room, I noticed that the spare blanket, the one she kept folded at the foot of her bed, was gone. The only other possibility was that she was outside, looking up at the stars, and the south tower was always her favorite place. It was her private area, and everyone was well aware of it, leaving her to her own devices. Looking at the stars-for both of us-helped us feel closer to our parents and lost friends, so we didn’t ask questions when she gathered her blanket and made her way to the As I walked by the room Levi and Furlan shared with a handful of other soldiers, my eyes caught an empty bunk that was made perfectly, not a wrinkle or thread out of place. The bed belonged to the quietest of the bunch, the one who looked at me with cold and angry eyes, the one whose face was shoved into a puddle upon our first meeting. Levi was the strongest, fastest, and most observant of the three recruits. He was cold and calculating, almost the polar opposite of Hope. However, I noticed a softer side of him that came out whenever she was around, a warmth in his eyes whenever he looked at her, a softening of his voice whenever he spoke to or about her. A piece of me knew what was happening, but an even bigger piece hoped I was reading it wrong. If anyone else would go out to watch the stars with her, it was usually Mike, but his door was cracked open slightly, so I knew he wasn’t with her. When he was in his room, sleeping or not, his door was always cracked open, but if he was gone, it was always closed and locked. Then, the possibility dawned on me. If Levi wanted to get to me, hurting her would be the easiest. He could take advantage of how much she cared and how little caution she took when it came to him, and he could potentially hurt her.

Without second thought, I ran through the corridors and up to the roof where I could usually find her with Mike. I had walked through the doors countless times to see them sitting on the edge of the wall, legs dangling off the side or curled up with each other in some way. Her body fully encased by his arms and his nose pressed into her hair. There were times during the day when I would walk by her room and hear his softened voice whispering sweet nothings to her. Still, no matter how much they cared for each other, she never took anyone up to the towers because it was her time to think about all she’s lost. The south tower was her private place. When I saw that the roof was empty, I knew that she must’ve been on top of the tower. The part of me that was most like her, the part they tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, was hoping that Levi was just wandering around and not trying to hurt her. That hope didn’t stop my legs from moving as fast as they could, pushing myself up every stair until I reached the top of the highest tower.

When I finally found her-found _them_ -I couldn’t believe my eyes. Even with Mike, she found it difficult to fall asleep. With me, it was difficult for her to stay asleep. Then, there was Levi. The way he was holding her and the way she curled up into him, their bodies molding together perfectly made my heart swell with joy. It was what she had been looking for all along. The man who was destined to kill me, the one who hated me with every shred of his being, was the one she found peace and solace in. Her body rested so delicately in his arms as he stared down at her like she was a goddess. It was the same way I remembered my father looking at my mother, like he could see the whole world in her eyes. His lips would tug up into a sincere smile, the wrinkles at the sides of his eyes acting as a testament to just how much joy she had given him in their time together. When I saw Levi’s eyes brighten at the sight of her in his arms, I knew that there was no turning back. She would be the object of his affection, and he would be the object of hers. I could do nothing but hope, though, that he would be gentle and loving when it came to her, that he would show her kindness and compassion instead of anger and aggression, something I would _not_ tolerate. While I didn’t see it as my place to interfere with who she had feelings for, she was my younger sister, and I would always intervene if I felt her health and well-being was being put into question. For Levi’s sake, I hoped he respected her and cared for her, carrying on the legacy I left behind for any potential partners.

While I was disappointed that I didn’t find her with Mike, the relationship I had shown unparalleled support for, I was happy that she was sleeping, regardless of who offered her the comfort and protection to do so. We had a big day starting first thing in the morning. While we didn’t leave until between the late hours of the morning and the early hours of the afternoon, we had to get the horses and carts prepared. Hope had a tendency of disappearing before an expedition once her work was done, venturing off to Shiganshina district for a reason I didn’t understand. She would be awake earlier than everyone, and she would disappear before anyone knew she had been there. Her morning routine would be put on hold to focus on the tasks to make sure they were completed in a timely manner. On any other morning, she’d complete her chores, exercise in the yard, clean, bathe, and then find some work that needed to be done. Keith was almost always swamped with work, so she could always count on him to give her a task or two, and he would always be pleasantly surprised with how quickly and efficiently she completed it.

Levi’s grey eyes flickered up to meet mine, finally realizing the intrusion. Perhaps, he realized that I was up there, but he just didn’t care because he was so captivated by the most beautiful woman to grace this world. I knew how biased I was, but my sister had many suitors. I was propositioned time and time again by men looking to marry her, and before I answered, I’d always ask her how she felt. Her response was always something similar to, “I’m married to the Survey Corps.” The constant proposals were a testament to her beauty and grace. With nothing but a kind smile, I sat down on the other side of Levi, putting him in the middle of Hope and I. Crossing my legs over one another, locking them at the ankles, my hands rested gently in my lap, “I had a feeling she would be up here. I had _not_ expected you to be up here, though”

He snickered, his arm tightening around her waist as she pulled her body impossibly closer to his. I realized after a moment that it was the first time I’d ever seen him smile. The anger and resentment he harbored when it came to everyone else melted away and left him with no more than wonder and compassion in his eyes where I thought it had been impossible, “I didn’t have much of a choice, but you know her well enough to know how resilient and persuasive she is” he said, smiling down at the young girl in his arms. Levi and I were the same age-I was only two months older-making him seven years her senior. However, I couldn’t really find fault in the age difference when I actively supported the potential relationship between her and Mike, the man who was a year older than I was and eight years her senior. Levi’s eyes remained soft as our gaze locked, “how did you even know she was gone in the first place?” he asked

I smirked, “I checked her room” I answered, causing him to visibly tense up. The quiet young man had a difficult time showing emotions, but his jealousy was evident. His jaw clenched. While a part of me wanted to watch him squirm for what he was planning on doing, I knew that she wouldn’t have wanted me to do that. She was always willing to meet brutality with kindness, and that’s how I wanted to be remembered as well. I swallowed hard, “she normally has a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep, _especially_ when these expeditions come around. She knows that some of her friends won’t make it back, and she knows that there’s a possibility that she won’t make it back, so-”

He cut me off, his grey eyes darting over to meet mine with a determination I had never seen in one human before, “ _she will_ ” he growled before looking back down at her with nothing but wonder and passion in his eyes. If only she could’ve seen the way he looked at her, if only she could’ve heard the way he spoke about her, the intensity in his glare when I even brought up the possibility that she could die. I didn’t like thinking about it, either. She was all I had left in this world, and I’d be lost without her, but he didn’t owe her anything. I owed her _everything_. The life I have now is thanks to her. I could still remember the one time I was grabbed, the way the titan's hand nearly crushed my spine, the way my legs dangled over his mouth. I could still remember her scream of pure agony when she saw what happened. She was brutal when killing the titan, making it to me just in time. She was only 14 at the time, and it was her very first expedition with the Survey Corps. Usually, we waited until individuals were 15, but she showed a strength that paralleled and even surpassed that of some of our most elite soldiers. I could still see her shooting across the sky, ripping the titan apart and grabbing me to keep me from the fall. I had a reason to fight for her. Levi owed her nothing. Still, I couldn’t find a hint of insincerity in his voice when he spoke again, “I’ll make sure she makes it back”

“There’s always a possibility that the entire expedition could be a failure, and we could _all_ die. It isn’t set in stone, and she knows that” I stated, pointing out the risk we all took. Sometimes, our survival was just sheer luck, and you could only get lucky so many times before your luck runs out. I didn’t want to live to see her luck run out, to see the light in the world fade away, so I tried to stop myself from thinking of it, fighting harder and harder each time to make sure she returned. I’d never let anything happen to her, never again. I swallowed hard, “she has barely slept for just over a week, which will make fighting even more difficult for her tomorrow. That’s why I’m glad she’s asleep right now. Most of the time, it takes quite a while for her to relax and fall asleep when I’m there, but it’s better than no rest at all. It looks like she has no problem relaxing with you, though” I stated, a slight pang of jealousy running through my body as I thought of this new man coming in and taking away the job I held for years and years. It was a job I wouldn’t trade for the world because she had a calming presence as well, which helped me fall asleep after the long day. Her body would curl into mine, a fragile frame in my all-encompassing arms. I’d hold her as close to me as possible, making sure to keep her safe from the world that had forsaken her so many times already. My little warrior.

As I continued to stare at the two of them, seeing the hint of a smile on her sleeping face, I realized that it was my new duty to bring Levi back safely as well. Not only would I be looking out for her and my men, I would do everything in my power to keep him alive, something that would put my life at risk, but I didn’t care about that. All I needed to see was the way her body molded against his, their beings fitting together like they had been created to do so since the beginning of time, “you make her happy” I stated, running a hand through my blonde hair, combing it back. He glanced back over at me, taking his eyes of her again, something he was having difficulty with. He was just as captivated by her as any other man was, but it was different because she was equally as taken by him. I continued, seeing the confusion on his face, “she has smiled more in the time you’ve been here than all her 19 years combined. I’ve seen the way she looks at you and how she’s so comfortable around you after only knowing you for a short time. She cares so deeply about the three of you, not once taking into consideration where you came from or what you did while underground. She knows what has transpired, and she’s perceptive enough to know whatever will come next. She’s spoken countless times on your behalf as well as on the behalf of Isabel and Furlan, defending you three against anyone who thought that passing criticism in front of her would go unchallenged. She’s even spoke out against _me_ when I suggested we keep you and your friends under close supervision in the cellar instead of in the main barracks. Instead, she risked the lives of everyone here to make sure you three were comfortable and felt welcome. She placed complete trust and absolute faith in you as soon as she met you, and I can’t tell you how happy I am that she’s able to do that again, that she’s able to trust so easily and be so open. You’ve made her so happy, and you’ve filled her with a sense of purpose that I’ve never seen in her before. I don’t know how I could ever repay you”

He sighed, turning his attention back over to her, reaching up to brush a stray piece of hair from her face. His hand lingered there as another smile tugged at his lips. He turned back to face me, a sadness in his eyes that was unparalleled, “keep her from coming on the expedition. Force her to stay here. I’ll fight twice as hard to make up for her not being there”

I was taken aback by his answer, shocked that he would ask for something so selfless. I figured that his first request would be a release from the Survey Corps granted to him and his friends. However, when she was involved, I saw a different side of him, a much softer side. I snickered, knowing that he still had a lot to learn about her, “you may not have known her as long as I have, but _everyone_ who knows her knows that she’s not one for staying behind. If I go, she refuses to stay behind. If Mike goes, she refuses to stay behind. The list goes on and on. Plus, she cares about you, too, so it’s just another reason for her to come along. Even if I tied her to the chair, she’d find her way out of it and tag along. She’s done that before and almost got herself killed in the process because no one was there to give her backup if she needed it” I explained, seeing the way his face fell when I denied him what should’ve been the simplest request. Hope didn’t make things like that easy, though, especially when she was dead set on coming with us. I sighed, “listen, Levi, I can tell that you care about her more than you want to admit, that she means a lot to you. She means a lot to me, too”

His eyes narrowed as he glared up at me, anger and rage boiling beneath the surface as if I had no right to compare the way I cared about her to the way he did. I could still remember when I had the same internal reaction when people would tell me that they cared about her in a similar way that I did even though she was my everything. I knew her since the day she was born, and I was the one who raised her after our mother died. I was there through everything. Still, his jaw clenched before he spoke to me, “you have _no idea_ how much I care about her”

He was still so impulsive and so passionate, especially on the topic that involved her. It would get him killed if he didn’t get a good handle on it, but I wasn’t really one to talk. I had nearly jeopardized entire expeditions to keep her safe, but she was also something much more than a crush. I swallowed hard and spoke without thinking of the potential consequences, though I was sure he already figured it out, “she’s my younger sister in case you haven’t caught onto that yet” I confessed, wanting to be completely open with him the way Hope wanted to be and the way I kept her from being.

“Yeah, no shit” he grunted, acting as if he wasn’t at all surprised by my confession. I could tell by the way his eyes widened that he was, in fact, caught off guard. He was simply too proud to admit it, which was another sign that we weren’t all that different. Hope tried to point that out time and time again, but I didn’t want to think that a man like him and a man like me could even be remotely similar. He cleared his throat, adjusting slightly now that he knew the context of our relationship. Before knowing any different, people would often assume that Hope and I were romantically involved with one another, but when they found out that I was her caretaker and older brother, they had a tendency to tone down their affection for her. Mike didn’t care as he continued flirting with her openly around me. Levi’s mood didn’t change too much either, though, as he continued in a teasing manner, “the eyebrows really gave it away. They’re almost as thick as yours” he snickered

“Very funny” I mused, truly admiring his resilience as well as his capability to turn anything into a sarcastic remark. He was an exceptional man with a dark past who made some bad decisions. I didn’t know much about him on a personal level, but I had blind faith in my sister’s judge of character. She did her research on him and even made a few trips to the Underground-trips I wasn’t supposed to know about. Mike was the one who informed me of them when he first realized what she was doing, and he trailed her the entire time, making sure she was safe. His feelings had been made perfectly clear, but even if she didn’t reciprocate them, they were still best friends. Mike was like a brother to me, someone I trusted with every bit of my life, including my whole world-her. If I hadn’t trusted him with her, I would’ve been the one following her down into the Underground City, but I knew why she was doing it. She wanted to learn about where Levi came from and what his life was like. The nights were rough for her after spending the whole day underground, and there were countless tears she shed on the behalf of all the men, women, and children who only knew life in that wretched city. I knew that the majority of those tears were shed specifically for Levi, Isabel, and Furlan. She knew far more about Levi than I did, putting in a true effort to discover who he was.

She didn’t give her full trust to anyone unless she _knew_ they were deserving of it and that they would care for the trust placed in them. I trusted her judgement, and if she was willing to trust them, who was I to argue? All I wanted in life was to have the same level of faith that she had, putting the same amount of heart and compassion into every relationship. Achieving that would be a miracle, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try. I could start by having faith in Levi, faith that he wouldn’t try to kill me. Even if he did, he wouldn’t succeed. I swallowed hard, looking down at how peaceful she looked in his arms, “she’s the only family I have left, and I’m the same for her. After our parents died, we took care of each other. We don’t have anyone else, and that’s what makes our love for each other that much stronger. To see her make decisions that could get herself hurt or killed breaks my heart because every death weighs on everyone’s shoulders, but she just has a harder time letting them go. Whenever I tell her that it’s best to move on, she tells me that their dedication and willingness to die for the cause gives her strength and makes her fight harder” I explained, causing his eyes to soften, “she made the decision to join the Survey Corps the day I joined even though she was too young to truly know what that entailed, to know the kind of pain she would go through. Even when she understood what it was like to lose the people you cared about, she was still adamant about joining, _knowing_ that she would have to experience that pain over and over again. She became one of the deadliest soldiers because she wanted the commander to never think twice about bringing her along. She wanted to be absolutely necessary on every expedition, so she trained harder than anyone else I’d ever seen”

He glanced up at me, tightening his arms around her, “she’s strong?”

“In more ways than just one” I answered with a nod, “I can’t watch her die, but I know I’ll be forced to one day if I don’t die before her. This expedition could get bloody, and you need to be ready to put aside your personal feelings for both her and your friends to focus on the objective. Trust me when I tell you that it’s the hardest thing to do, but when we’re outside these walls, there are no friends or family. We’re a team. We live and fight for one another and for the whole of humanity behind these walls”

He scoffed, “I couldn’t care less about the people behind the walls. They’ve never shown any kindness or sympathy toward me. I owe them nothing. _Her_ …” he trailed off, gazing down at her with unparalleled tenderness in his eyes. I just knew that something would come of it if it hadn’t already. While a piece of me hoped otherwise, an even larger piece of me just wanted her to be happy. He continued with nothing but words of admiration for her, “I owe her _everything_ . I owe _you_ for bringing me here, even though it was against my will and against your better judgement. In doing that, you brought her into my life and filled the whole in my heart that was always there. I can’t imagine my life without her. My main goal is to protect her and my friends, to make sure they make it back. I don’t care if I’m strong and fast or if I could be of use to the Survey Corps. Even if I knew that my death would mean the undoing of the entire expedition, I’d willingly sacrifice myself for her because…” he trailed off, looking up at the stars like they held the answers. His eyes fixated on one star in particular as his eyes glazed over with emotion. I could tell that he was hesitant to admit his feelings for her. Without looking at me, he spoke, “she's my _first_ priority”

“And you’ll be hers”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the story will start moving along a little faster, but I wanted a moment for Erwin and Levi to bond. Plus, I love some internal conflict with Levi. I really hope you're all enjoying this, and if you have any constructive criticism, feedback, or just compliments, that would be so great.


	4. Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope upholds pre-expedition traditions with Armin and Eren, and her past with the Yeager family is revealed. Levi receives a special gift from Hope as the soldiers are readying to move out on the 23rd expedition.

***Hope’s POV***

I hummed gently as I stroked my hand through the soft white mane of my horse, which I would gift over to Levi for the expedition we would embark on in mere hours. Ivory had been a gift from Keith when I joined the Survey Corps. He was elated that he would have two members of the Smith family under his command because he was forever surprised by the resilience and talent of my older brother. She symbolized something to him as well. Ivory was only two years of age when I received her, but even though she was inexperienced, she was the fastest and strongest of them all. For years, she was my companion and good luck charm. She got me through some of the most intense situations, ones that I shouldn’t have made it out of, but she always pulled through for me. There was one expedition in particular when I had taken a pretty bad fall after taking down a group of titans, and I twisted my ankle. I wasn’t able to put any pressure on it without a searing pain spreading throughout my entire calf. As I tried to crawl over a tree in order to wait it out, she made her way over to me. She was conscious enough to lay on the ground next to me to allow me to hoist myself back up onto her without hurting myself even more. She was my good luck charm. I was sure that without her, I wouldn’t have lived past my very first expedition, but we took care of each other. She was the reason I made it home. That was why I was gifting her over to Levi. No matter how terrible things got out there, she would bring him home safely. That was all I wanted.

Tears welled up in my eyes as a chapter of my life ended and a new one was about to begin. It was the end of my time with her. I had trained her and taken care of her for years, but she was destined for something better, some _one_ better. Even though it was hard to say goodbye to that part of my life, I was glad to hand her over to Levi. I would do whatever it took to ensure his safety, and if my good luck charm had to be passed on to do that, so be it. She looked at me with those big brown eyes as if she could understand me, like she could understand how sad I was. This would be my very first expedition without her as my horse. The stables allowed for a quiet place for me to talk to her, a private place so that our conversation could remain between us, “you’ll take care of him, right? Like you did with me?” I asked, knowing she wouldn’t be able to answer me. I knew that if she could speak, she would agree, so I continued, “I know that it’ll be hard, but no matter what happens to me, I need you to make sure that he makes it back. Even if things aren’t looking good for me, you make sure to take him back to the wall. The world will go on without me, but...we can’t win this without him. I just have a feeling that he’s destined to do great things. He’ll be the last hope for humanity, and I’m just...a soldier. I don’t know why or how I know this, but I just do. Please...just bring him home safely” I said, hugging her neck as the tears clouded my vision. I blinked them away quickly, not wanting anyone to take notice that I had been crying right before an expedition. It would make me appear weak, and I wasn’t. I was strong.

Pulling away from Ivory, I walked over to the jet black stallion that I would be taking for the time being. He was younger than Ivory, only 5 years of age, and he had a fire burning behind those black eyes. He reminded me of Levi, which was part of the reason why I chose him in the first place. Aside from Ivory and Erwin’s horse-another white one-Onyx was the fastest. He was beautiful and mysterious, always surprising me. I found him fascinating, much like I did with Levi, and they had many similar personality traits. Everyone was hoping to tame him, but I knew they never would. Onyx and Levi were too set in their own ways to conform to the traditions we had. They were their own entities, and that was what made them so fascinating. I stroked a hand through his hair, gingerly, as he adjusted. He was ready to go and ready to start with the expedition. This would be his first time outside the walls, which was nerve wracking for both Erwin and myself. Erwin was paranoid that my decision to ride a horse that wasn’t broken in yet, would only increase the risk that I’d be hurt or killed. I was just anxious because if it _did_ , I didn’t want anyone-especially Levi, Erwin, or Mike-coming to my rescue. I accepted death a long time ago, long before I ever joined the Survey Corps. I maintained my focus on Onyx, “I talked to Erwin this morning, and he told me that when the commander steps down and passes the mantle onto him, he’s going to promote me to Captain. It won’t be for a while, but it means that I have to keep getting lucky out there. You’ll take good care of me today, right?” I asked, my fingers combing through his hair.

“He better” Mike’s voice rang out from behind me, causing me to jump, “because your brother still hasn’t given me permission to ask you to marry me, so neither one of us can die until then” he said with a grin spreading across his lips. I rolled my eyes at his confidence, but it was also one of the virtues I found so charming. He was a handsome man regardless of his personality, but he was so much like Erwin that it made me feel that much more for him. Mike was gentle and passionate while Levi was strong yet gentle with a wild side. Both men were incredibly perceptive and sensitive, far more introspective than anyone else I had ever met in my lifetime. Mike closed the space between us in two long strides, which wasn’t difficult with legs like his, and he wrapped his slender arms around me. As he stood over a full head taller than me, it gave me the perfect access to rest my head against his strong chest. My eyes fluttered closed as I listened to his heartbeat skip a few times, “what would you say to me? If I asked you to marry me _right now_ , what would you say?” he asked, breaking the silence that had consisted of the yelling and joking from the barracks as the soldiers geared up as well as the gentle clomping of hooves against the floor of the stables as the horses became more and more anxious to go.

I pulled away enough just to look at him as the smile tugged at the sides of my lips, “I’d ask you if you got Erwin’s permission first” I answered, my arms snaking around his waist to pull him even closer to me. His body was so warm and inviting, and his arms only tightened around me as our jagged edges fit together perfectly. I grinned up at him, knowing that he was looking for a “yes” or “no” as my answer. However, a part of him knew already what I would’ve said. There had always been something between us, something beautiful and fulfilling. I would’ve married him in a heartbeat if it hadn’t been for one single factor. Levi. I thought I had my life figured out before he walked into it, dirt streaked across his porcelain face, anger in his eyes, handcuffs around his wrists, and a fire in his heart. He lit that fire within me as well, and I felt whole. Ever since Mike took me out on our first date, I was sure we were meant to be together. I could always picture us getting married and having babies that would grow taller than me. Now, I could only see my future with Levi.

Mike chuckled, pulling me from the depths of my own mind, which I was thankful for. I cared for him, and I would even go so far as to say I loved him, but things had become strained after meeting and falling in love with Levi. I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to love Mike. I felt like such a disappointment, but his smile, which reached his beautiful eyes, made it all okay. Choosing wouldn’t come easily, but I was the property of no man, so at least I _had_ a choice. A shiver tore through my entire body as I thought of my childhood, of _that_ day. Feeling it, Mike’s arms tightened around me. I glanced up at him, and he continued smiling even though I knew he wanted to ask me what was wrong, “you’re such a tease” he stated

I rested my head against his chest again, pressing my cheek against his firm body, “you wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was any different” I noted, listening to his strong heartbeat. It was such a beautiful sound, one that lulled me to sleep countless nights, one that beat in tandem with my own.

He nodded his head, “that’s very true. I’d probably ask for Dr. Yeager to check on you to see if you were sick because I don’t want to kiss you if you’re contagious” he teased, pressing his nose into my hair and inhaling. It was one of his odd habits. He loved smelling people, and that man had the keenest sense of smell I had ever witnessed. He always told me that I smelled like home, and I always told him that he _felt_ like home because he _did_. My heart skipped a beat when his right hand came up to caress the side of my neck as he cradled my head against his chest. His thumb swept sweetly along my jawline, and soon disappeared with the rest of his fingers into my wild hair, “speaking of Dr. Yeager, are you heading to Shiganshina district early again?” he asked, referencing the countless trips I made to Shiganshina district to see the boys I saw as my own children, two boys who had a place in my heart like no one else.

“It wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t see them before an expedition” I answered, locking eyes with him again. He never fully understood my need to visit them every so often, _especially_ before an expedition. It was unheard of for me to just leave without arriving a few hours before everyone and sitting with the young boys. I had been there from before Eren was even thought of because Dr. Yeager had always been the closest thing to a father I had, aside from Erwin-who was always my brother first. When Eren was born, he was like the little brother I never had, and when he befriended Armin at a young age, the blonde-haired little boy became another little brother. As time passed, I began to see them as my own, two young children who needed to be protected at all costs from the horrors of this world. I would’ve given my life for them in a heartbeat and without any question. I wouldn’t even hesitate. Mike didn’t completely understand it, but neither did I. It was like questioning why I fell in love with Levi. I didn’t understand it, but it was just a part of my reality. I didn’t know why I loved Eren and Armin, but I just did. I continued, knowing that Mike was looking for more than just a simple answer. He was always intrigued as to _why_ I took the trip to visit with two children who weren’t biologically mine, “I haven’t seen Eren in weeks, and Armin seemed so sad the last time we talked, so checking in on them before we leave is even more important than last time. I was thinking we could have a picnic. Eren has been far less antsy lately, so he might sit through a picnic if there’s dessert at the end”

“You’re so good with kids, especially those two in particular” he mused, the smile from earlier still lingering on his lips.

I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing how to respond to the compliment, “well, I’m planning on having a few of my own someday, so this is pretty good practice” I replied, confidently. His eyes widened, and his brows raised in clear astonishment. He hadn’t been expecting such a straightforward response, but he knew me long enough to know that I was never anything _but_ direct. It wasn’t uncommon for me to speak of my desire to have children of my own someday, but I hadn’t been so candid about it with him before. His surprise melted away into that familiar gaze of unparalleled affection. The gaze was soft and loving just like the way he held me at night after an exhibition. I would always feel like crying, but after all I had been through, after all I lost already, it didn’t feel possible to shed tears. I reached up, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck, and I pulled his face down toward me. The light trail of facial hair tickled my palm as I came to caress his cheek and jaw, “I wish you would stay behind on this one” I whispered

His arm hooked around me and hoisted me up. In an instant, I wrapped my legs around his waist, locking them at the ankles, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. One of his arms was wrapped firmly around my waist, while the other hand became entangled in my hair, “not without you” he murmured as he brought my face down to his. I felt so powerful being above him, finally having the upper hand because I was taller, thanks to his help. Knowing that he wanted to kiss me, I took control of the situation and leaned in to plant a firm kiss against his cheek. Mike was the first man I’d ever kissed when I was only 16, and we shared a few kisses scattered here and there. He was the one who initiated them most often, but there were times when I was the one who initiated them. He would be sleeping in the bed next to me, and I would wake him up by peppering kisses along his shoulder. Once his eyes finally fluttered opened, I would greet him with the sweetest of kisses before whispering a “good morning” to him. I couldn’t deny that I loved him, that I would’ve spent the rest of my life with him, but I also couldn’t deny that my heart belonged to another as well, which was why I kissed his cheek instead of his soft lips. Things between Mike and I weren’t exclusive, so I was still free to go on dates with whoever I wanted. I just had a few extra ties to Mike. He smiled up at me,“don’t die today”

I cupped his face as I rested my forehead against his, “what if I had no choice?”

“I’ll protect you” he answered, sure of himself.

My lips curled up into a smile, knowing that there was no way of talking sense into him. Mike was strong, easily one of the strongest soldiers in the Survey Corps. He and I were easily tied, but I couldn’t put myself above him, and I also couldn’t put his skills above mine. We had sparred quite a few times, and there were times when he would gain the upper hand, but there were equally as many times that I did. We were equal partners in this team, and he was willing to teach me a few things as I was willing to do the same for him. While he was skilled and extremely talented, one could only rely on that talent so much when going up against titans, _especially_ abnormals. Most of the time, abnormals required a balance of both skill and luck, but I had seen plenty of talented men and women fall to them. Going up against one abnormal was manageable with a group, but going up against a group of them... _alone_ was a death sentence. It was the one thing Mike would do-forfeit his life to protect mine-but I wouldn’t let him. For the sake of maintaining peace, I nodded, “I know you will”

* * *

_My legs moved as fast as I could expect them to, being only nine years of age. Bumping in to random people as I sprinted through the streets of Shiganshina, I made sure to yell out a quick apology, but I couldn’t stop. I had just barely found out that Doctor Yeager welcomed his first child with Carla. Not only had I been there long before she was pregnant, but I was with her throughout her pregnancy, cleaning the house and doing the chores that she would normally do because I didn’t want her to have to strain herself and potentially hurt the baby. Ever since I found out, I had been waiting in anticipation for this moment, to meet the new member of the family I had unknowingly become a part of. Dr. Yeager didn’t adopt me, but he was the one who gave me a once-over after the events that transpired when I was five. Ever since that first meeting, he declared that I would be directly under his care until I decided otherwise. So, whenever I got sick or got hurt, he was the one to nurse me back to health. Whenever I was in need of medical assistance, he was the one who was called upon. In the event of an injury on an expedition, like the time I twisted my ankle, I was brought directly to his care upon returning._

_Dr. Yeager was the closest I had to a real father. Erwin always tried to be brother and father to me in a desperate attempt to give me the world. He was the only family I had left, and I was his only family. However, he was part of the Survey Corps now, a young soldier, which meant I was alone more often than not. Luckily, Erwin was granted permission to keep me at the base of operations for the Survey Corps, and the commander understood that I had nowhere else to go, or my presence wouldn’t have been allowed. Since he didn’t want to give up Erwin, he bent the rules to let me stay. I earned my keep, too, cleaning up after the soldiers were done in the mess hall and helping with the dirty linens. During the days when there was nothing to do, I would make my way to Shiganshina district to spend time with Carla and Dr. Yeager. He would often bring me out to the markets, knowing that I loved being in the midst of the people. He treated me like the daughter he never had, but what if the new baby was a little girl? What if I had a kind of younger sister? Whatever gender the baby turned out to be, I was sure I would love him or her just the same because it would be someone I could teach. I would look at them the same way Erwin looked at me, with pride and unparalleled joy._

_As soon as I reached that familiar door, I burst through it without knocking. This was my home away from the barracks, which I didn’t even get to stay in. I had a bed in the cellar, which forced me to confront my fear of the dark on my own. Of course, Erwin could sense my distress, and he would come down to the cellar with me, curling up next to me until I fell asleep. He argued plenty of times on my behalf, but the commander always said that the barracks were for the soldiers, and I wasn’t a soldier...yet. As such, I spent much of my time at the Yeager household, even spending some nights there with the two new parents who had been parenting me for some time. When my eyes finally landed on Carla, I noticed the swaddled baby in her arms as she rocked back and forth in the chair. She was glowing even more than she had been the last time I saw her, when she was so excited to have the baby. Her new energy, the calmness and peace radiating throughout the house, hit me like a brick wall. The eyes of both Carla and Grisha turned up to lock on me, making me feel like an outsider all of a sudden. There was a piece of me that wanted to turn and run away because I saw how happy they were as their own little family, and I had no right to intrude._

_My palms became sweaty as my heart raced in my chest. Instead of running away like I wanted, I closed the door behind me, and forced my legs to carry me over to where Carla and Grisha were sitting. They both greeted me with the same kind smiles as they always had, but my excitement died as soon as I felt the new energy in the house. Now, I was just nervous. Ever since I found out about Carla being pregnant, the only thing I wanted was to hold the baby, but now, I realized how ridiculous that dream was. Babies represented something good, something pure. Carla represented something good and something pure, as did Grisha. They deserved to hold the baby. I was just a little monster living on borrowed time. I didn’t belong in a house as happy as this one. I belonged in the cellar where I trembled, my teeth chattering together in fear until I couldn’t stay awake anymore, where no light could reach me even in the middle of the day. If I was destined to have a family, mine wouldn’t have been ripped from me so violently. Therefore, this didn’t feel right. Still, I walked over to her and stopped to stare down at the product of the two of them, “his name is Eren” she beamed. I smiled. A little boy. I leaned forward to stare down at the thick brown and sleeping face. She took the silence to speak again, “do you want to hold him?”_

_I shook my head, feeling my heart skip again, “no, thank you”_

_“Why not?” Grisha asked, breaking his silence. The lump in my throat formed almost immediately as I thought of how wrong it was for me to be there. I was the outsider. I wasn’t their daughter, and I wasn’t even a niece. I was just a stranger that Grisha met once after the most terrible event of my life, the one I never thought about, the one I couldn’t even remember fully because I had pushed it so far down that I could only recall pieces. Still, answering his question would’ve made me emotional. I wouldn’t cry because I hadn’t cried since that day. It was like my tear ducts just didn’t work properly, like I physically couldn’t produce the right amount of tears. Sure, I was sad, but nothing was ever going to top that day. Instead of answering, I just shrugged my shoulders, which was a stupid move. I should’ve known that neither one of them would accept my complete lack of an answer because they knew how excited I had been about holding the baby. Grisha was the one who knelt down next to me, cupping my cheek with his large yet gentle hand, “you won’t hurt him, little one” he murmured with so much certainty._

_“I won’t mean to” I replied, sorrow filling my voice. It was unintentional, but it would be obvious to them either way. I couldn’t hide my emotions from them because they knew me better than anyone-aside from Erwin. My heart physically hurt as I watched Grisha’s eyes fill up with tears in response to my last comment. I shook my head, "I won’t mean to hurt him, but I will. I hurt everyone” I whimpered._

_He shook his head, his hand trailing from my cheek to my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, “you haven’t hurt me. You haven’t hurt Carla. You haven’t hurt the man who lives next door or his wife. I know you won’t hurt Eren. I trust you” he said, brushing the stray strands of snowy hair from my face and tucking them behind my ear. Erwin often braided the pieces back so they would stay out of my face, but with all the running and acrobatics I performed on a regular basis, strands of hair would often escape the neat braid. Still, it was a useful hairstyle, plus, it took some time each morning for Erwin to perfect it, which meant that I had time to spend with him as my older brother and not as a soldier._

_Carla broke the silence as she stood up from the rocking chair, “come here, sweetheart” she instructed, stepping aside to allow my easy access to the rocking chair. She cradled the baby with one arm, as she urged me toward the chair with the other hand pressed against the small of my back. I could feel my heartbeat through my entire body as I climbed into the rocking chair, still warm with her body heat. She smiled down at me with that same look of encouragement I got time and time again, “hold your arms like mine, and I’ll hand him over to you. He might squirm a little bit, but he’s just trying to get comfortable. It’s a lot like how when you get into bed, you just have to get comfortable before you can relax” she said, and I nodded once, holding my arms out like she was. As soon as I was ready, she placed the swaddled baby in my arms. He was heavier than he looked, but at the same time, he felt almost weightless. It could’ve been the happiness I felt in that moment, but every happy moment in my life paled in comparison when Eren opened his blue-green eyes and looked up at me. For the first time since my mother died, I felt happy. For the first time in my life, I felt alive._

_*Flashback End*_

After eating our sandwiches, the three of us-Eren, Armin, and myself-laid back in the grass beneath the shade of the tree and stared up at the pieces of sky we could see between the leaves and branches. I made sandwiches for the three of us, and I brought sweets that Eren insisted we eat first just in case the sandwiches filled us up too much and left no room for the sweets. How could I possibly say “no” to him, though? I was like the older sister, so I had no choice but to give in. Besides, his mother and father were there to say “no” to him, but when he was with me, the rules were much looser. Eren had become much more confident than I ever expected, but I was glad for that. He was a fighter when people threatened the safety and happiness of the people he loved, but he was a lover when he was with us. He was truly a masterpiece, and I loved him more and more every day, “when you fight the titans, are you scared?” he asked, pulling a blade of grass from the ground and twirling it around in his fingers.

“Everyone gets scared when they’re up against a titan” I answered

“I won’t be” he stated with so much certainty. He sat up in the grass, his back straight and his chest puffed out to make his small body appear bigger. I knew that he would grow to be taller than me, but I would revel in the time I had being bigger than him. That boy had heart, and that amount of passion and drive would make him a better fighter than some of our better soldiers now. Armin and I followed him, sitting up in the grass as Eren continued, “when I join the Survey Corps, I’ll be the bravest soldier there is”

I shook my head, smiling at his inability to grasp what it truly meant to be brave. Perhaps it would be a word that meant something different to each person, almost like the word “happy.” I found happiness in my friends and the remainder of my family. I found happiness in Levi. However, others found happiness in baking or in eating. “Brave” was just another one of those hard to define words. However, I didn’t want him thinking that being afraid rendered you weak and powerless because it didn’t. For some, that was a reality. I had met some soldiers who froze up when they were afraid, which led to their death along with the deaths of others trying to protect them. Sometimes, being afraid made a person weak, but more often than not-in my experience-being afraid often brought about courage. I stared into Eren’s big teal eyes and reached for his small hand that seemed to grow more and more each passing day, “being brave doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. Being brave is being afraid and wanting to run away because the odds are stacked up against you; however, you _don’t_ run away. Being brave means accepting that you could get hurt or even die, but you fight anyway. Being brave is facing your worst fear and standing strong in the face of adversity. I’m afraid when I go outside the walls, but I’m brave because I face the one thing that makes me afraid”

“You’re afraid of the titans?” Armin asked in his naturally timid voice from next to me.

“I am” I nodded, wanting him to know that I wasn’t completely unafraid, that everyone was afraid of the titans, and it was rightfully so. The titans were powerful in their own way, and there were some that were extremely unpredictable. I wasn’t afraid of death, but I was afraid of losing anyone else, especially after all I had lost already, “I’m even more afraid, however, of what they’re capable of. The soldiers who fight by my side are my friends, and many of them I consider my family. The soldiers by my side fight with courage, and the soldiers by my side often don’t come home. I’m not as afraid of the titans as I am losing the people I care about to the titans”

“You’ll come back, right?” Eren asked, looking more nervous than usual. I always sat with them for a while before embarking on an expedition, but Eren never seemed this nervous before.

I grabbed Armin’s hand, holding a hand from both of them now, knowing that Armin was just as nervous as Eren. He just showed it differently. I smiled at both young boys, reassuring them that everything would be okay even though I knew I couldn’t promise that, “don’t I always?”

* * *

Everyone was in the proper formation to head out. I had left Eren and Armin on the sidelines to make my way over to Onyx. I had taken him with me earlier, but I passed him along to Mike who got him into formation with all the others. Onyx was right next to Levi, and he was also quite a bit bigger than Ivory. I felt so tall when I sat on him, much like I did when Erwin would lift me onto his shoulders or when Mike would pick me up. I was only a hair taller than Levi, but it was barely noticeable. Therefore, anything made me feel tall. I could still feel Eren and Armin’s eyes on me as I made my way through the crowd of horses and soldiers. Some of the soldiers in the back were still getting ready, and Keith still wasn’t at the head of the formation, so we had time to kill. As I made my way through the soldiers, I rested a hand on Mike’s knee, giving it a gentle squeeze as I walked by. His large and warm hand clapped over mine, squeezing it once for recognition. My stomach flipped as I looked up into those tender and passionate eyes. A piece of me knew that he had been waiting too long for a girl like me. He could have any girl he wanted, but he spent his time pining after me and taking me out on dates. What had I done so right in my life to deserve the attention of a man like him? I offered him a gentle smile before pulling away. In the silence between us was where our unspoken conversation lay. Neither one of us had to say a single word to know what the other was thinking and feeling. I knew him like I knew how to breathe. It was always effortless and unconscious. I didn’t have to think about breathing, and I didn’t have to think of what his actions meant. I just knew him.

Shooting another smile over to Flagon, I received a wink in return, to which I just rolled my eyes. He was one of a kind, and I wouldn’t have asked for him to be any different. He was the most flirtatious soldier in all the Survey Corps, but he was also one of the sweetest people I knew. A quick look was exchanged between Erwin and I, but we didn’t say a word since all the words that needed to be exchanged had been that morning after I woke up in my bed without any recollection of how I got there. I was certain that Levi had carried me back to bed, but I didn’t know where he would’ve gotten the key since I kept it tucked in my pocket at all times, which he didn’t know about. When I approached Erwin, he mentioned the fact that he caught me sleeping on the roof with Levi. That hadn’t been the most surprising part of our conversation, though. Because I knew my brother better than I knew myself, I was sure he would come up with a punishment for Levi, but he didn’t. For a moment, I debated on whether or not to call upon Dr. Yeager to check Erwin for a fever. However, even though he wouldn’t tell me his reasoning behind not punishing both Levi and myself, I could see in his eyes that it was because he knew I was happy.

As I pulled myself up onto my horse, I glanced over at Levi who was sitting with his back straightened on top of Ivory. Not a single glance was thrown my way, and I wondered why he was being so distant after our very intimate time together last night. A part of me wondered if I had done something wrong to chase him away, but another piece of me was sure that it was just his way at compensating while he was in front of his friends and our fellow soldiers. It would be inappropriate for both of us to conduct ourselves the same way we did last night, _especially_ when we were in the storage closet. As I gazed over at him, his raven black hair blowing gently in the wind, I felt my heart skip a beat. I watched as his gaze moved to the side, just enough to allow him to catch me staring at him in his peripheral vision. Instead of looking over at me, his jaw clenched, outlining the perfect shape of his face. While he ignored me and my heart thudded in its grief, I glanced back over at Eren and Armin, hoping to find some comfort before riding out to almost certain death. I had been lucky too many times, and my time would come sooner rather than later. I was living on borrowed time as it was, and I would be collected the same way so many of my friends had been. When my eyes landed on the two boys, I noticed that they were both crying, causing my eyes to well up with tears. They still wouldn’t fall, though. Even if they tried, I wouldn’t let them.

“Tch, pathetic!” Levi scoffed, glancing over in their direction.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “give them a break. They’re children!” I growled, unable to believe that he would be so heartless and unsympathetic when it came to children, especially children like them. Of course, he always showed his cold nature when it came to kids, but I never understood why. I couldn’t condemn him for not feeling sympathy for those two in particular because he didn’t know them the way I did, but he still didn’t have to be so cold.

He was visibly taken aback when I spoke to him with such a harsh tone in my voice. Usually, I was far more soft spoken, but he pushed me, so I had no other choice but to push back. He continued, not knowing that I really didn’t want to hear further criticism of the boys, “what? Crying won’t solve anything. Is crying going to stop us from going on this expedition? Will their tears keep you from being hurt out there today? No? So, why are they crying? It’s weak and _pathetic_ ” he spat out, backing up his point even more.

I shook my head, unable to believe that he could possibly believe what he was saying. Part of me just hoped he was saying it to provoke an argument, but another part of me saw the look of sincerity in his eyes. The protective part of me came out when he spoke about them, treating the boys like he would treat an adult who was crying at our departure, “why would you say something like that?” I asked, feeling the lump in my throat growing. He looked over at me to see the tears in my eyes, and a look of pure shock overcame his face. Without another word, I faced away from him. Quicker than I pulled myself onto Onyx, I jumped off of him, scrambling onto the ground and sprinting through the crowd of soldiers. Upon seeing me running toward them, the two boys met me halfway. They ran into my open arms, knocking me back. Before I could fall, their arms wrapped around my waist, steadying me but also allowing them to pull our bodies closer together. My left arm wrapped tightly around Eren, and my right one wrapped tightly around Armin, holding both boys close to me as their tears fell. Both of them buried their faces into my abdomen.

Armin quaked as he tried to hold back the waterfall of tears, but as I rubbed his back, he stopped trying to suppress them. Though I knew there were countless eyes on the three of us, everything else just melted away, and the world was silent. I couldn’t help but feel so much pride. Every single time I left, there were tears shed on my behalf, and it let me know just how much they loved me. I couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I was loved, and I gave love in return. What more could I ask for? As I listened to the sniffles and whimpers of them, my heart broke. I didn’t want to see them cry, especially when I couldn’t fix it, “it’s okay” I murmured, trying my best to soothe them. As I listened to their sniffles taper off, I pulled away just enough to look at them, “I have something for the two of you” I said, wiping their tears away before reaching into the pocket on the inside of my jacket. Pulling out two Survey Corps patches, I handed them over to Armin and Eren. They stared down at the wings of freedom that meant so much to me, that symbolized everything I believed in and everything my fellow soldiers believed in, “I want you to have these because I know in the deepest depths of my heart that you’ll be the bravest and strongest soldiers someday. You two are the kindest, most compassionate, and most beautiful people I know. Don’t you ever change for anyone. You’re so strong and so brave already, and I know that you’ll both grow up to do amazing things. Never forget that I believe in both of you and that you’re _my_ heroes” I said, continuing to wipe away their tears.

Armin’s bottom lip quivered as those big blue eyes locked with mine, “I don’t want you to go” he whimpered with so much sadness.

My heart shattered because I didn’t know how to tell him that everything would be okay. How could I promise him that I would come home if it was likely that I would die outside the walls? How could I comfort him when the only thing that would calm him was if I promised to stay behind? How could I stay behind when people I loved and cared for needed me? I knew that I would hurt people by leaving, but I would hurt myself the most if I stayed behind. Eren and Armin both stared up at me with those big, sad eyes as they clutched the patches I had given to them. Eren had always talked about joining the Survey Corps someday, wanting to be just like me for some strange reason. I was nothing special, and I certainly didn’t want someone so sweet and pure to end up like me. Armin, I knew, would follow in Eren’s footsteps, the two boys unable to be apart from each other. I stared back over at Armin, running a hand through his soft golden hair, “letting go of the people you care about is one of the hardest things in the world, and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. It’s always hard to watch the people you love walk away, but you don’t have to worry about never seeing me again. Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean this is goodbye, it just means that we’re parting ways for right now. We save goodbye’s for the end, and this isn’t the end” I said, stroking his cheek with my thumb. He leaned into my touch, his eyes closing as he radiated serenity. That boy was the most peaceful and level-headed human being I had ever met.

“Please come back” I heard that small voice coming from the boy I had known for his whole life. I met Armin when he was two, but I had known Eren from the very beginning, his voice an echo in my heart, going on forever and ever. The difference between my relationship with Eren and the relationships I had with everyone else was that he still needed to be protected. Levi knew how to protect himself. Erwin knew how to protect himself. Mike knew how to protect himself. Eren and Armin were the only ones who still needed me in that way. To see him with so much unbroken hope in his eyes made my heart fill with joy because I knew that I’d do everything in my power to keep the world from breaking that within him.

I reached for his chin, holding his head steady as I stared into those beautiful eyes, “as long as you keep me in your heart, I’ll be with you forever and ever” I smiled, feeling like those were just the right words to say in that moment. I hadn’t heard them before, but they just felt so right.

“I love you” they both stated, their voices ringing out simultaneously.

That was it. That was what kept me fighting to come back home. Those three little words meant more to me than anything else. These two young boys were able to validate me because they made me feel like I was worth something. I smiled again as joyous tears continued to fill my eyes, “I love you more” I murmured, leaning down and pressing a kiss into a head of golden hair and then into a head of brunette hair. They both looked up at me, far more calm than moments before, “now, give me one more smile and run on home. Pretend I went back to Wall Rose and that I’ll be back soon for another picnic. Just remember that I love both of you so much” I requested before they both smiled up at me, never challenging my rules or my requests. As they ran off, I prayed they wouldn’t look back to see my tear-filled eyes. A piece of me just had this feeling, a feeling that I wouldn’t see them again. When they rounded the corner, I collected myself, thankful that they didn’t have to see me nearly break down. If they looked back at me or if I saw anymore tears from them, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I was already convinced that ripping out my heart would’ve been easier and less painful than having to hold them as they cried. My heart pounded as I let out a deep breath, turning on my heel and walking back over to where my horse was. Instead of getting back on, I walked over to stand between Levi and Furlan who sat taller than me on their horses. Isabel was on the other side of Furlan, and Onyx was waiting patiently for me on the other side of Levi. The man I fell in love with so freely and so fearlessly was still so quiet and calculating, but I wouldn’t let that keep me from caring about him or protecting him. My eyes flickered between the three of them as I spoke, “listen, be safe out there. Shoot up a flare and fall back if things start looking bad. There’s no need to put your life at risk to look like a hero. Call for backup if you need it”

Levi rolled his eyes, brushing off what I had just said like I was speaking just to hear my own voice. It was like he didn’t even care whether or not I existed, “tch. I can take care of myself” he grumbled, his voice so uninviting. We finally had our big breakthrough last night, but now, it was like he was ignoring me with the simple goal of hurting my feelings. My feelings weren’t easily compromised, but he had such a hold on me that it felt far more tragic.

I was taken aback by his words, and I wasn’t the only one. Furlan and Isabel were both shocked by the tone he took with me. I furrowed my eyebrows, “what’s wrong with you today?”

Before he could answer and give me a ridiculous response, telling me that nothing was wrong, Isabel stepped in to give me an honest answer, “Levi has a crush on you, and he wants you to stay behind so that you’re safe” she interjected

Levi’s cheeks immediately turned red as a boyish charm overcame him. He was blushing! My heart fluttered as I stared up at the man who left me weak in the knees every time we were even remotely close, the one who could melt my heart into a puddle on the ground, the one who had me wrapped around his finger. He shook his head, “I don’t...no...you have-I don’t have a crush on _anyone_ ” he stammered, trying to sound like he wasn’t at all panicking about what Isabel just said. He cleared his throat and tugged at the cravat around his neck.

Furlan smirked over at the younger woman, “oh, that’s right, Isabel. Levi didn’t say he had a _crush_ on Hope. What he told us this morning was that he finally knows what it’s like to fall in-”

Before Furlan could finish, Levi cut him off, “come here” he growled, jumping off of Ivory’s back. He reached out his hand and grabbed my upper arm in a vice grip. Without a single word to Isabel or Furlan, he dragged me into one of the alleys between the shops. While my legs were long, his fast pace was difficult to keep up with when I was still in so much shock by what Furlan had confessed. Levi’s grip on my arm loosened, but he only proceeded to push me against the stone wall of one of the little shops. His face grew closer to mine, and there was no longer a single hint of a blush on his cheeks. He was completely serious now, and there was an anger burning in his eyes that couldn’t be put out with a simple smile or graze of my hand against his own. His hands remained on my shoulders, pinning me to the stone wall, “I’d rather break your legs right here and right now than have you come on the expedition with us today” he growled

I swallowed hard, my eyes widening in response to his indirect threat. I hadn’t expected him to be so angry with me after our time together last night. I hadn’t said or done anything to him to provoke him or this discussion. I thought we came to a mutual understanding the night before that I would be leaving with the rest of the soldiers no matter what. We were so happy the night before, curled up with each other on the roof. I could still feel the warmth of his arms around me, slender and strong all at the same time. Our bodies had intertwined as he held me close like he did in the storage closet. There was less urgency on the roof, though. I stared into his beautiful, cold, and calculating eyes as my chest heaved with unchecked adrenaline, “is that why you took me back here? To break my legs?” I asked, knowing that if it was his intention, I couldn’t bring myself to fight him.

He furrowed his thin eyebrows, “what? No!” he answered as my question took time to process in his mind. He sighed, feeling the frustration that came with his lack of prior articulation. He dropped his hands from my shoulders but continued to stand close enough to keep me pressed against the wall, “I _have_ to go on this expedition. Part of the criteria of me staying is that I participate today. If I _don’t_ participate, they’ll send me back to the Underground City, and...now that I know what I’d be missing, I can’t go back there. If I hadn’t met you, I couldn’t care less if they threw me back down into that cesspool because people like me belong in a place like that. Then, _you_ had to come along and ruin everything!” he spat out like a bad taste in his mouth. While I winced at the harshness in his tone, I felt a glimmer of joy because I was part of the reason why he wanted to stay, “I don’t have a choice in going today, and people I care about are going out there today. Isabel and Furlan are my friends, and I can’t let them go on their own. I have to be there to protect them. I’m just asking you one more time to stay here, to stay inside the walls”

“As long as you’re planning on going outside the walls, I’ll be right beside you” I replied, shaking my head and straightening my shoulders. The hope he felt while asking me to stay behind faded from his grey eyes, and I felt the guilt that came with it. Still, I wasn’t about to let it sway my decision to follow him. I’d follow that man anywhere because he stole the last bit of love I had, the last piece of me that hadn’t been tainted by the world. I continued, “I’m not staying if you’re not staying. I’m not letting go”

He grimaced, “tch. You’re pathetic!” he sneered, turning to walk away from me and back out to take his place in the formation.

Before he could leave the alleyway, I felt a bolt of anger strike through me. I lunged forward and grabbed his forearm before slamming him against the wall, still careful not to hurt him. There was a point that needed to be made, though, and he had no right to talk to me like that. I knew that I was worthless, that Erwin would’ve been better off without me most days, that my mother may not have fought as hard as she did if it wasn’t for me. The _only_ reason I was still alive was because I felt I could do _something_ to protect the people humanity couldn’t live without. Levi was one of them. My hand was flat against the middle of his chest, right under his neck. I took advantage of his clear shock, and I spoke while his eyes were still wide, “you don’t even know a _portion_ of what I’ve been through, so don’t you _dare_ assume that it would be easy for me to stay behind while you walk away” I fumed, the volume of my voice rising, “you have no _idea_ what you’re asking me to do!”

He let out a deep breath, his eyes flickering away from mine for a moment that seemed to go on forever. I was sure that he was just trying to formulate his argument, but when he looked back up at me, his eyes were so much softer than before, “you’re right, and I’m sorry” he murmured, his voice low and tender. My hands dropped to my sides instead of keeping him pinned to the wall. I felt a pang of sadness as he realized how his request pained me. I wanted to do whatever it took to make him happy, but the one thing that would make him happy would make me miserable. If I wasn’t there and someone I loved wasn’t lucky enough to make it back, I couldn’t live with myself. He finally realized that, and seeing the change that happened on his face was refreshing and also...sad. He clenched his jaw once and swallowed hard, “I just...I had a really bad nightmare last night once I finally fell asleep, and...it just seemed so real. I’ve just been thinking about it all morning, and...I can’t...I don’t want you to die” he murmured, his voice filled with fear and powerlessness.

I leaned forward, reaching up to cup his face with my hands as he looked away from me again, obviously not wanting me to see what he defined as “weakness.” As soon as my hands grasped his face, I tilted his head back up to capture his eyes with mine, and I stepped closer to them, “it was just a dream, Levi. I’m still here. In this life, I’ve learned that it’s important to cherish the time you have with people because it could end so suddenly. Just because there’s a possibility that I won’t make it back, doesn’t mean you should push me away and treat me differently. Cherish this time. Live in this moment right now because it’s a good one” I said, stroking his cheek gently with the tips of my fingers. My hands dropped to my sides again as a smile formed on my face. I became a bit more playful to lighten the mood around us, “pay attention if and when you see me fight today, and you’ll realize why you shouldn’t be worried about me. I can take care of myself” I stated, confidently.

He reached up and brushed a stray piece of hair from my face, his eyes darkening the slightest bit, “I wish we never left the storage closet” he stated, his fingers entangling themselves into my loose hair that I would need to tie back into a braid or a ponytail before we left.

His confession left me baffled because I hadn’t expected him to talk about what happened. Neither one of us brought it up to the other last night, and I certainly didn’t expect him to speak of it aloud to me this morning. I was sure that he would’ve passed it off as a lapse in judgement or a mistake on his part, but it was one of the best moments of my young life. I leaned forward, burying my face into his neck the same way he had to me last night. I inhaled the indescribable scent of him, clenching my jaw a his warmth filled my nostrils. As soon as I inhaled, his hand gripped the roots of my hair tightly, and his free arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me flush against his body. My lips dragged gently across his neck before reaching up and pushing the white cravat to the side, allowing a bit more access to the skin that connected his shoulder to his neck. His chest heaved, rising and falling unevenly as his breathing became labored. Like he had done last night, I teased him, dragging my lips across his skin but not kissing any area in particular. Then, I remembered the reason why I had to wear a higher collar than normal. While it was proof that the storage closet incident was real and not just a beautiful creation that my mind made up to keep me happy, I was paranoid of Erwin seeing it. As an act of both retaliation and pure desire, I smirked to myself and latched onto a patch of skin on his neck. Without even looking at him, I knew that he threw his head back against the brick wall, careful not to hurt himself. As I sucked and nibbled on the flesh to produce the same surprise he left for me last night, his fingers only tightened in my hair, and a sharp breath escaped his lips. When I was finished, I pulled away to admire my work. I stared back up into his eyes, taking in the vibrant color of his cheeks, “maybe we can pretend we never _did_ leave” I murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek, lingering there for a long moment.

Pulling away, I turned to walk back out to the formation, leaving him speechless. However, he found his voice and called out after me, stopping me in my tracks with words that made my stomach flip and made it absolutely impossible for me to ever stay behind, “just in case we don’t make it back, you should know that what Furlan said...he wasn’t necessarily lying”

_What he told us this morning was that he finally knows what it’s like to fall in-_

Love. Love was the last word that Levi didn’t give Furlan the chance to say. Still, I could figure it out for myself, and he knew that. A smile overcame my face as the stars finally aligned. It would be a huge conversation we would have when we made it back, but for right now, I could revel in the feeling that his honesty brought me. He fell in love with me the same way I fell in love with him, quickly but completely. To know that a man like him, the man I was in love with, loved me back...it let me know that my luck wouldn’t run out anytime soon. It was luck that kept me from being devoured by the titans, it was luck that kept me from death when I was younger, and it was luck that Levi fell in love with me. I turned back around to face him, unable to stop my heart from filling with more joy than ever before, “if it makes you feel any better...I fell in love last night, too”

His face twisted with surprise, but before he could ask a single question or request some clarification, Flagon’s urgent voice at the entrance of the alleyway interrupted him, “it’s time to go!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'm excited for the bulk of the drama in the next few chapters, and a lot of things have been leading up to these moments. Please, please, please share your thoughts or critiques. As I'm still fairly new to the SNK fanfiction universe, I'm looking for any helpful tips or feedback. Thank you all so much for your continued support. Also, I've had a few questions asked via tumblr about what exactly happened in the storage closet, so there will be a chapter all about that coming up soon.


	5. To Keep You Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi recalls his first experience with rain as the team embarks on the 23rd expedition.

***Levi’s POV***

As we rode forward into the world beyond the walls, I felt a sense of freedom like never before. While there was also a level of danger, I could finally see the sky in all its glory. With my back to the wall surrounding Shiganshina district, there was no wall in sight, only trees and hills as far as the eye could see. It was beautiful. Isabel and Furlan were both too preoccupied by the open sky to pay much attention to anything else, like the vastness of the landscape ahead of us. It was like it never ended, and the lack of titans only made it that much more beautiful. While I knew that we would run into them sooner or later, we had this little moment of peace and freedom that none of us felt before. Something in my very soul lightened as I stared up at the sky. I knew that this was only possible because of Hope. If she hadn’t stuck her neck out for Isabel, Furlan, and I time and time again, I was sure the commander would’ve kicked us back down to the underground city no matter how useful we could be. It was because of that beautiful goddess of a woman that we were able to experience something so beautiful, something so life-changing. Dark clouds were rolling in from the west, which could only mean rain. My first experience with rain was only a week after being above the ground, and it was just as special as my first experience outside the walls. It was the first time I knew there was something truly special about her.

_ *Flashback* _

_ I stared out the window from the second floor of the barracks, watching as Isabel, Furlan, and Hope were acting like children, jumping in the puddles the rain created and splashing water everywhere. Mud splattered onto their leather boots that ran up to their knees, but the water splashed up higher than expected sometimes, landing on their white trousers. It was a shame, and I found myself shaking my head as perfectly clean clothes were becoming covered in brown and grey splotches of mud. Filthy. No matter how disapproving I was when it came to the mess they were making, I couldn’t ignore the way she celebrated with Isabel and Furlan. My two friends had run outside as soon as it began raining, wanting to indulge in their very first experience with it. They flew out of the barracks and into the wet world beyond those doors, heads turned up to the sky, and I watched as they basked in the glory that the rain brought them. I watched, also, as she walked outside to partake in the merriment with them. That was when they began jumping in the puddles, laughing and joking with each other as they made a mess of themselves. Just as I was about to step away from the window to give them their privacy, I watched as Hope slipped in the mud and fell onto her back. _

_ I didn’t know how I reached the bottom of the stairs so fast or if I touched a single step on my way down. The only thing I could remember was kneeling over her in the mud, making a mess of my own boots-luckily the boots ended just above the knee, helping to keep me clean. I was at the window one second, and the next, I was knelt down next to her, trying to make sure she was okay. All she did was continue laughing, but I didn’t know if it was at my worried expression-one I couldn’t help-or her own clumsiness that caused her to fall in the mud in the first place. As the droplets fell onto my head, she stared up at me, the world becoming quiet around us even though Furlan and Isabel were still dancing. Once she told them that she was okay, the continued on with their jumping and laughing, but I couldn’t move on so quickly. She laid there, droplets of water falling against her fair skin as it helped wash away the mud. As she stared up at me, her blue-violet eyes softened, and I felt my stomach flip. She reached up and pushed the wet hair from my face, “you’re getting dirty” she noted with the hint of a smile. _

_ I shrugged, “I don’t really care” _

_ Then, she did it. She did the one thing that drove me crazy. I mean, everything she did drove me crazy, but this was one of those things that drove me to the edge of losing all control and giving into the foreign desires that seemed to be taking over ever since we met. She pinched her bottom lip between her teeth, a sly smile spreading across her face as if she knew what she was doing to me, like she knew just how crazy I was about her, that she had a hold on me like no one else ever had. In our silence, so many words were spoken, and I could see that she had a raging fire behind those blue-violet eyes, a fire that held me in a trance. As she sat up from her horizontal position, we came face to face with one another. She left me absolutely mystified, sitting in awe at her simple beauty. Since I was kneeling down and she was only sitting, I was a bit taller than her, but our faces were still incredibly close. It didn’t help when she moved even closer, her warm breath cascading across my face, sending a shiver down my spine. I knew that she couldn’t possibly think of me the same way I thought of her, but there wasn’t really a word for how I felt. If there was, I certainly didn’t know what it was. Still, it felt like she could read exactly what I was feeling for her even though I couldn’t even completely understand it, “I’m okay, Levi” she murmured, her voice spilling past her lips like silk. _

_ My heart thudded in my chest, wanting-pleading-to burst out for a breath of fresh air. I hadn’t tasted the sweetness in the air until the moment I met her, the moment her eyes first met mine. Never could I have expected the surface being filled with so much beauty, but it was all because of her. That beauty came from nowhere else except for her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her peaceful gaze that she gave me every night before we parted for bed. I pulled away quickly when I finally realized that I had been staring at her in silence for far too long. As soon as I was far enough away, I stood up. Holding my hand out, she grabbed it, and I pulled her up onto her feet. Before I let go, though, I pulled her closer to me, leaning in to her ear so that no one else could possibly hear what I was going to tell her. My voice lowered, and I felt so wildly out of control that I would do anything to seize control once more. I heard her breath hitch in her throat, and she trembled slightly, but she would never let on to her heightened emotions. I didn’t know if it was fear, surprise, disgust, or something else entirely, but she was definitely not expecting the sudden contact. My warm breath caught in her hair as I smirked, “be more careful next time” I growled before pulling away from her completely. She stayed in that same spot, absolutely still, as if she were unable to move a single muscle. As I turned and walked over to the stables to take shelter from the rain, she stared at me. _

_ Once I finally reached the stables, I leaned against the frame of the gate that had been left open. While I didn’t want to stand out in the rain or jump around in the puddles with them, the laughter of Isabel and Furlan brought me something that seemed a lot like joy. They were happy, and that made me happy. It was a reminder that I would do anything to keep it like this, to continue to see them smile every day. Their appreciation of the rain-something that brought some of the other soldiers down-was a reminder that the two of them deserved this life. They deserved to live on the surface where the dangers and fears that came with living in that wretched city couldn’t touch them. They deserved this life far more than I did because they were still good, still...pure. They still saw hope in the world, even when we were living underground, but I only saw hope in the world after I met her. I found it so fitting that she was named Hope because she was the embodiment of it. Before her, though, I had nothing to believe in, nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to. I was lonely even when I wasn’t alone. _

_ That was why I stood outside. _

_ I wanted to listen to her laugh. I wanted to see the way her eyes sparkled as Isabel and Furlan laughed with her. A part of me didn’t want to believe it, but an even larger part knew that she was melancholic. Still, even in her state of unexplainable sadness, she still tried her hardest to make others happy. I could see the melancholy in her eyes, the desolation was clear even when she tried to hide it behind the facade of pure joy and wonder. While she did experience more than just sorrow, we were connected in our mutual tragedy. I didn’t know of hers, and she didn’t know of mine, but we both knew that the other was battling some inner demons. It was clear that she knew how dark the night could become, but she tried so hard to focus on the light of the day. _

_ Then, it finally clicked. That was why she loved the rain. It was a washing away of the dirt, the pain, the past. It was a cleansing of the Earth. Watching her dance in the rain with so much purpose was poetic and powerful. She had an appreciation for the way the mud splashed up to cover her clothes and her skin because she felt joy when the rain washed it away. It spoke to how she viewed the pain in her life-the inevitable pain she had endured to constitute the darkness in her bright eyes. She learned to appreciate the darkness because she knew it wasn’t permanent, just like the mud. She knew that the darkness would give way to the light, just like the mud would give way to the rain. The pain would give way to the joy. Someday. _

_ As she laughed, she glanced over at me, watching as I stood with arms crossed, leaning against the frame of the gate. Our eyes connected, and I didn’t look away. Neither of us looked away. That foreign feeling I had in the pit of my stomach made my entire body tremble as I gazed into her haunting eyes. It was a hungry feeling I had when I looked at her, like something was missing in the very pit of my being. So, when she ran over to me with a laugh, her eyes never leaving mine, I lurched forward, ready for whatever she had in store for me. She stopped right in front of me, her silver hair matted down, the water dripping from the ends of it. She was completely soaked, making me nervous that she would fall ill. I hated when people were sick, especially people I cared about. Before the thought even popped into my mind, I shook it away, focusing once again on the beautiful young woman in front of me, “come out in the rain with us” she urged me. _

_ I shook my head in response to her desperate plea for me to accompany her out into the rain to splash in the puddles, “it’s too wet” _

_ She snickered, stepping closer to me, “I’m sweeter than you are, and I haven’t melted yet, so you should be fine” she teased with the widest smile I had seen on her thus far. She was so proud of herself for the remark she made, especially since it had its desired effect. She always had such animated reactions to everything except for the sad stuff. While there was a sadness in her eyes almost constantly, I didn’t see nearly as much as I expected, especially when something truly upsetting happened. Even when she told me about the previous casualties on the last mission they went on and how the people she lost were like family to her, she didn’t show the same sadness. She hardened with every loss, and a part of me was worried that she would lose too much and lose all sense of herself. _

_ If she lost Erwin… _

_ I opened my mouth again to protest, but she wrapped her hand around my arm before I could speak, and she tugged me away from my sheltered space and into the rain. While I only resisted the slightest because of the mud, I knew that seeing her smile and seeing her laugh was far more important than the clean nature of my being. When it came down to it, I cared far more about her than maintaining pristine cleanliness. Still, as soon as the first drop of mud from Isabel’s stomping hit my pants, it was as if I could feel it burning a hole into my leg. I knew where all the mud was as it splattered on my clothes. However, watching Hope laugh and smile up at the sky-rain falling against her face-I knew that the mud was trivial. The only thing that truly mattered was her. She was so...happy in that one moment with the three of us, and it rubbed off as I began jumping around the puddles on the ground. Her laughter filled the courtyard, causing Furlan and Isabel to laugh even harder as the mud splashed up into their faces. At one point, the young soldier even jumped into Furlan’s arms, embracing him tightly for no reason other than she knew that he was the most outwardly emotional one of us all. Furlan never declined a touch or an embrace as long as it wasn’t a hostile kind of touch. Furlan and Isabel warmed up to her quickly, and she did the same to each of us. _

_ When the rain picked up and the wind started to blow, causing a chill to pass through the courtyard, Furlan and Isabel excused themselves. I knew that they would head inside and take a shower in the communal showers that I hated with a burning and fiery passion. I didn’t want to be nude in front of anyone else, especially people who already hated me. Furlan and Isabel didn’t care, but they were also much more free-spirited than I was. I was already dreading having to take a shower once I went inside, so much so that I seriously considered sleeping in the stables for the night instead of stripping down naked and showering in that cesspool of germs and heightened ego’s. Hope’s excitement died down as soon as she saw my sudden shift in mood. While the changes were always subtle, she noticed them right away, “we should get inside before you catch a cold” she stated, hugging her body to keep herself warm. _

_ I smirked as we made our way toward the door of the barracks, “I think you’d be the one to catch a cold before me. I don’t get sick” _

_ She scoffed, “liar!” she called me out, bumping into the side of me with her body. I just chuckled and stared down at the ground, too afraid to look up at her because I was sure all the heat that was left in my body would race to my cheeks. While I could keep myself from giving away my strange and foreign feelings for the young woman, my body had a tendency to betray me. She cleared her throat, maintaining a steady pace right next to me without leaving too much empty space between the two of us, “you know, Erwin mentioned to me this morning that you’ve surpassed all of his expectations of you. He said that he thinks you’ll be a fine asset to the cause. You didn’t tell me that he was training you. I figured that Flagon was taking care of that” she noted, glancing over at me. _

_ I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing how to be honest with her. I couldn’t tell her that I was training under him to observe his abilities and tactics so that when it came to killing him, I wouldn’t have much of a problem. I also couldn’t bring myself to lie to her. I glanced over at her, “since I’ve arrived, I’ve been hearing about how Erwin is the best soldier in the Survey Corps. I heard that he has more titan kills under his belt than many of the other soldiers combined. I wanted him to show me his technique so that when we finally do go on the expedition, I’m fully prepared” I answered, being as honest as possible. _

_ I opened the door of the barracks and held it open for her as she stepped inside. Instead of continuing up to her room, she waited for me. As we walked up the stairs to the hallway that would lead to the rooms, she spoke, “he can be harsh sometimes, and I’m willing to bet that he’s been pretty tough on you already. Believe me when I say that he means well. Erwin’s been through a lot, and it’s made him a better soldier. He doesn’t want to lose anyone when we go out on expeditions, so when he has the ability to train someone, he does every single thing in his power to make sure that they’re prepared for survival outside the walls. He cares...probably too much, but that’s what will make him a good commander someday” she said, speaking so highly of a man I hated, of a man I would kill one day. _

_ A simple grunt was all I could respond with, wanting to get away from the topic of Erwin. Every time I thought about him, my anger rose. This, however, was not the time for anger; not with her around. We walked in silence until we came to the room I was staying in with the other male soldiers. When I stopped to walk inside, she grabbed my arm again and tugged me toward the direction of her room, “what are you doing?” I asked, my eyebrows furrowing in confusion. _

_ “Just come with me” she coaxed me, a smile tugging at her lips as I allowed her to pull me toward her room. My heart felt like it leapt into my throat as all the scenarios raced through my mind. Every “what if” was considered in the short moments it took to get to her room. However, I never would’ve guessed the actual reason why she took me there. After a quick turn of her key, she pushed the door open, and she urged me in first, clearly anxious that someone would see her. Fraternizing wasn’t talked about when I joined. I was sure that it was frowned upon, but what were they going to do to stop it? It was bound to happen. A part of me wondered if that was what was going to happen between Hope and I, but an even bigger part of me doubted that we would ever take that step, especially since I was so certain that she was with Erwin. As soon as I stepped into the room, I saw pieces of myself scattered around the pristine bedroom. The bed was made perfectly, not a wrinkle in sight. Everything smelled clean and looked perfectly clean, like she was scrubbing the walls and floors every other day. I never would’ve imagined someone like her, so free-spirited, having the same type of “habits” that I did. _

_ Turning to face her, I watched as she closed the door behind her, locking it. My heart pounded against my ribcage as I thought of the last time someone locked me in a room. Hope would never do anything like that to me, though. I was free to come and go as I pleased, and I knew that she’d never try to hurt me the way so many others had. She was too good for me and too good  _ **_to_ ** _ me. Crossing my arms over my chest, I locked eyes with her, “what are we doing in your room?” I asked _

_ She cleared her throat, clearly nervous about being caught. Depending on who caught us, the punishment varied. I knew that if Erwin caught the two of us in her room together with the door locked, we would both be reprimanded harshly, so I could understand her fear, “I’ve heard you taking showers in the middle of the night. I don’t sleep much, so I notice a lot. You don’t like the communal showers, which is understandable. Neither did I. I did the same thing you did to avoid the germs and the prying eyes of other people. I’m lucky enough to have my own washroom and shower with my new title, so I wanted to extend the use of it to you” she stated, glancing out the window behind me to see the rain continuing to fall. For a moment, I was speechless, and she took the opportunity to continue, “I mean, you don’t have to use the shower if you don’t want to, but I just wanted to offer it because I know that you’ll want to shower as soon as possible because of the dirt. It means that you can’t wait until the middle of the night to shower, and you’ll have to do it in the middle of the day, which is what you’ve avoided since you got here. If you do want to use the shower, there are towels hanging on the door that you can use” she smiled _

_ I swallowed hard, wondering why she would extend such a kindness to me. I always thought I could hide certain aspects of my personality so well because no one else seemed to catch on. There was always a quirk or a habit that I refused to show others, thinking it was too embarrassing or that people would terrorize me for it. The one thing-my need for a clean body and space-was something that people picked up on. However, no one else in the Survey Corps picked up on the lengths I would go to in order to stay clean. Hope had known all along, had sympathized with me, extended a helping hand, and treated me the exact opposite of how I expected to be treated when people found out. She didn’t tease me or ridicule me. She understood me. And when I thought that my feelings for her couldn’t possible get anymore confusing or any stronger than before, it happened just like that. Without a single word, I turned on my heel and walked over to the washroom. Before I could enter the room and contemplate her actions, I felt two slender arms wrap around the front of my waist, her chest pressing against my back as I stood in complete shock. The way her cheek rested against my shoulder blade as she squeezed my waist felt so comfortable. Even though I often hated when people touched me, I realized that I had a strange physical connection with her that nearly paralleled my emotional connection with her. Still, nothing could be that intense. _

_ When she finally pulled away, she cleared her throat, obviously surprised at what she had done. I was sure that she didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want to push her by asking for an explanation. Still, I was curious as to why she felt inclined to embrace me in the way she did. There was a sense of urgency and need on both of our parts. She felt the need to hold someone, and I  _ **_knew_ ** _ that she wanted to be held in return. However, she was too afraid to ask for that. I, on the other hand, wanted to hold her, and I wanted to be held in return. I never felt that way about another person before, but I wanted to feel that sense of mutual comfort with someone. She wanted to comfort me, but I also wanted to be there to comfort her, knowing that we had both gone through seemingly insurmountable pain in our lives. She saw through to some of my pain just like I saw through to some of hers, “you can leave your clothes in the washroom once you’re done, and I’ll have them cleaned” _

_ “Thank you” I murmured, walking into the washroom without another glance at her. I started the water and cracked the door open to keep some kind of airflow in the washroom. As I faced myself in the mirror, I stripped out of my clothes, making sure to fold the damp attire neatly before setting them on the counter next to the sink. I stared at my bare chest with a clear look of disgust on my face. I glanced back out into the room through the crack in the door to see that she was in the process of pulling her shirt off. Since she was facing away from me, I could see nothing inappropriate, but I still felt dirty. However, the scars on her back made it too hard for me to look away. There was one large one that looked like it was from when she was younger because the skin was almost completely healed. There were other smaller ones that I saw, but she always claimed that they could be worse. I wanted to know the stories behind each, though, because I wanted to know where she came from. When she unclasped her bra, my eyes flickered back to my own reflection, refusing to watch her anymore. If I continued, I would lose more and more willpower, which kept me from walking into the other room, tearing away the rest of her clothes, and allowing my most primal instincts to kick in. My chest felt hot as I glared at my reflection. _

**_She’s beautiful. You’re not. She’s good. You’re not. She can offer the world something. You can’t._ **

_ I shook my head at my own reflection, disgusted with myself and my own appearance before I walked over to the shower. If only the hot water was enough to wash away the impure thoughts I had of her. Forcing my mind away from the thoughts of her arms wrapping around me or the bare skin I caught sight of that felt so wrong but so right, I started thinking of Furlan and Isabel. I finally remembered that I was breaking a promise to them by falling in love with Hope. All of my motions became mechanic as I thought of my upcoming betrayal of the woman I...loved or how I would betray my friends. Either way, I would betray someone I cared about. When I got out of the shower, I dried off and got dressed into the clothes that had been placed on the counter next to the sink where my dirty clothes had been placed before I got into the shower. _

_ Once I was dressed, I walked back out into her bedroom where I saw her sitting delicately on her bed still facing away from me. She held something green in her hands, and when she heard me, she stood up and turned around to face me. I studied the object only to find out that it was one of the cloaks that the members of the Survey Corps wore, “this was given to me when I was very young by Keith Shadis. I lived here, in the basement for years until I was old enough to join. The basement was always cold, which made it hard to sleep, so he gifted this to me early to keep me warm. He also told me that it was because he saw potential in me. He told me that he could see that I had a drive to do good for the sake of humanity. He was one of the only people who knew what my life was like before the Survey Corps, and he’s still one of the only ones who knows almost everything about me. He said that no matter what the world did to me, no matter how many injustices I faced in my past, and no matter how much pain I was dealt, I would fight to protect others from suffering the same pain or from suffering the same injustices. That’s what I’ve tried to do so far. It’s what I’ve tried to accomplish in my time as a soldier” she said, closing the space between us before draping the cloak over my shoulders, “right now, it’s to keep you warm, but I see in you the same potential as Keith saw in me. I see your willingness to do good, and even though you try to hide it, I can see your compassion. I see the pain in your eyes and catch glimpses of the past you’ve suffered through. You’re strong and brave and so,  _ **_so_ ** _ good. You have so much to offer the world, Levi, much more than you could ever possibly imagine” she stated, straightening the fabric against my chest before gazing back up into my eyes, “green suits you” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated. Work has been getting in the way of my writing time, but I knew that I couldn't let this fic go. Get ready for a whole bunch of sad!


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